A hairy situation

Hair is natural. Why mess with nature?

Well, many dudes probably have a laundry list of reasons why they prefer their ladies with a clean, body-wide shave. It looks nicer, it feels nicer, it doesn't challenge their pre-existing conceptions of gender identity and so on.

But what if you turn the tables? Let's say the men lose our little game of "spin the razor": how would guys feel if they were expected to whack off all that excess body hair (perhaps we should call it "fleshgrass")? Aside from the sudden, drastic increase in water usage across campus, what issues would the modern man suddenly be faced with?

Being men, they'd probably be interested in knowing about utility first. For example: ever had your hair pulled? You know all those belts and buckles and zippers and clippy, clampy metal bits you've got near your crotch? Do the (ouch) math.

"It's good to trim the trail so you don't get it caught in the belt," said James Chapman, a 6th-semester English major. Boys beware - a little shave could save you from your own jeans.

Also, for men that care, they'd probably be a lot less smelly if they were less hairy. Bodily scents get trapped easily in hair, which is fine if you're talking about your bowl cut - open to the sky, your head gets easily aired out. But the male armpit doesn't share the same luxury, unless you're one of those people who loves sprinting around with your arms held over your head. A little shave every once in a while is probably preferable to playing "human goalpost," especially when the February chills abound.

"You smell less like taint, and more like Axe," said Sean Carey, a 6th-semester philosophy and English double major.

And, inevitably, this tip extends southward, to the, you know, pubic region. If you've got a partner who spends any length of time down there, send a little favor their way with a quick flick of the razor - careful, please. It's easier to clean, and less likely to hide ghastly creepy crawlies.

"I can definitely see someone shaving their pubic hair for the [hygenic] reason," Carey said. Note that this is another reason not to grow a neck-beard.

Additionally, keeping the lawn trimmed has its aesthetic properties, much like any other home improvement project.

"It makes [your erection] look larger," Carey said. "It becomes sleeker, more efficient. It's like putting racing stripes on a car."

Even if you're not psychotically preoccupied with the size of your stick, less-intimate hair can certainly be a turn-off - back hair at the beach, for example, or neck hair at any point, ever.

"I like chest hair because I can take my shirt off and not be completely naked," Chapman said. "But back hair makes me feel like I have too much of a shirt on."

The Schick or Gillette might be your solution to that constant Shirts and Skins confusion.

So what's stopping men from taking decisive action on the "hair" item? What's the hold-up? Well, for one thing, shaving takes time, and time is a luxury none of us have (we need to surf the Internet, watch "Battlestar Galactica" reruns and think about pizza). Or maybe we're just terrified.

"I can see the benefits, but I've yet to be courageous enough to tackle [shaving]," Chapman said.

But our girlfriends have no more time than us boys do - and yet they find the time, somehow. If you're in a heterosexual relationship, try a little friendly competition - spend the same amount of time shaving that your girlfriend does. Either you'll end up with a new respect for her ability to get things done, or maybe you'll be a little less of a jerk about the days she's just too busy .

Or maybe you'll agree to let things slide altogether for a while. The possibilities are endless! You might find that your new, elaborate care routine simply chops up too much of your precious time.

A final note, though, boys: if you do decide to shave, please be careful. Carey contributed a long, terrifying personal anecdote to this article, and I'm afraid it's too grotesque to print in its entirety, but suffice to say it begins with a boyish curiosity and ends with phrases like "it wouldn't coagulate," "veiny and purple," and "then all the frozen peas fell down my pant leg, right in front of the cop." Be clean, be smooth, be brave - but please, be careful!