A survival guide for graduates

The party's over, UConn grads, and the real world awaits. A world eager to thrust upon you a myriad of responsibilities, obligations and dental bills from its infinite stores of bitterness and pain. Forget the trifling conveniences of college life; survival is now your top priority.

That's where I come in. As someone who has managed to stay alive for 21 years with a perfect record of zero-deaths, I am something of a survival expert. I won't sugarcoat it, cadets: it's a big, tough, sticky world out there. But, with a little patience on my part and a few sacrifices on yours, I promise you'll be surviving like a champ in no time.

Lesson 1: Living space

First things first, you're going to need a place to stay. Start by sweeping your neighborhood for any cheap mansions or lofts. If this fails, search for an apartment, preferably a cheap one that's within five minutes of a good dining hall.

Remember to fill out your housing application early, please. I can't stress enough how important this is to finding a place after college. If your lottery number stinks, get an older, real-world friend to pull you into one of the houses, apartments or triples.

Wherever you end up, though, you must get to know your CA. They will be nearby for your benefit and, if you introduce yourself early, they are more likely to look the other way if you're busted for exposed power strips or owning a toaster. You're on your own now. You need to rally as many resources as possible.

Not bad so far, right? You're getting the hang of it already.

Lesson 2: Employment

The long, hard climb to the top begins here. Start by checking help-wanted ads for openings in CEO positions at major corporations. If those positions are full, send e-mail to the corporation's human resources departments. Many employers will give you a permission number if you ask them nicely, so gratuitous use of "please," "thank you," and details of how you'd really, really like a job are all crucial.

Don't worry about the workload or falling into a rut - you can choose to drop the job at any point in the first few weeks without it impacting your GPA. Explore as many careers as you can (after all, you won't have opportunities like this forever).

The main goal is to aim high. Aim higher than you thought reasonable.

Lesson 3: Food

Not only have I been a survival expert since day one, but I've also been eating regularly the entire time, and have since discovered a positive correlation between a strict, food-only diet, and not dying.

That's right, you need food to live and money to get by, but you can live within your means and still eat like a king, and I can prove it with statistics. Assuming the percentage of businesses on campus that accept points and Husky Bucks accurately represents their distribution across the world (and why wouldn't it?), you could live in the Amazon Basin and still be able to charge your chow to your One Card.

With your grocery bill effectively halved, you can now use that much more of your budget to purchase whiskey and video games, all but disproving that old saying: "frugality is a life devoid of whiskey and video games."

Happy trails, Class of 2009 ... especially those of you who last the winter. I'll be on your side of the fence in another year, but for now, heed this advice: love the life you live, live for what you love and, as always, go to South for free condoms.