E3 and beyond

For the actual attendees, the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) is a four-day marathon through a giant room filled with noise, smells and flashing lights. Fueled by Cheetos and dogged by hangovers, gaming's biggest annual event can be summed up succinctly with two verbs: cheering and barfing. From my couch at home, I did a little cheering and barfing , and now both have been collected on this printed page for your enjoyment, dear reader. I cheered: Mass Effect 2 Bioware's glitzy, cinematic space opera warmed my rusty android heart. The game throbbed with high octane, unleaded nerd fuel, and I'd lovingly take it again - even reheated and served lukewarm. Well, BioWare's not about 10-seconds-in-the-microwave, here-you-go sequel design. They're overhauling the combat. They're adding a male romance option. They're letting you interrupt people in the middle of conversations - by throwing them off skyscrapers. They haven't talked about that damn car yet, but hopefully you can throw that off a skyscraper, too.

I barfed: Final Fantasy XIII, XIV Do you see that number? That's the Roman numeral 13. That one next to it? Yeah. You guessed it. Another 50-hour epic of hitting "X," scratching your head at incomprehensible dialog and sitting through minute-long attack animations that cost as much as the GDP of the entire Balkans. And yes, Square announced Final Fantasy XIV before XIII was even released. And, to the delight of everyone that wasted their virile high school years typing, "Thief looking for group," it's a massively-multiplayer online game. You may say I'm an ornery, Square-hating misanthrope. That's fine. In response, I direct you to the gameplay video showing Shiva turning into a motorcycle.

I cheered: Left 4 Dead 2 But you know, Valve could have announced anything and I'd be doing the victory dance. They could be making iPhone titles. They could be doing a Hannah Montana rhythm game. They could be porting Custer's Revenge to the DS. Well, maybe not that last one. But my point is that Valve has, barring all except maybe Blizzard, the strongest track record of any developer ever. Sure, you say they're just milking the franchise, and the changes are mostly incremental: melee weapons (including chainsaw), new Survivors, new campaigns, a new AI Director, a new gameplay mode, new Special Infected, oh, wait, those changes aren't incremental at all. Valve is making an awesome new game for everyone to play.

I barfed: Halo 3: ODST Meanwhile, Microsoft is drawing gallons of profit-scented milk from the growth hormone-riddled teat of Bungie. So... you're not a Spartan. You're a different guy. You need to shoot the Covenant. They are attacking your planet. There will be a multiplayer mode. In it, you will have to shoot the Covenant. They are still attacking your planet. Or maybe you're attacking their planet. Revolutionary! Oh, and it's still gonna cost 60 dollars.

I cheered: Scribblenauts Got a problem: the star is in the tree. You need to get the star down. What do you do? Use a ladder. Duh. Oh, but wait. You could use a football, and knock the star down. Or wait! Solve it with beavers! The beavers can gnaw the tree in two, leaving you to retrieve the glowing prize. Or... could you solve this problem with Albert Einstein? Maybe. In this DS game, developer 5th Cell's boast is that you can write any noun in the touch screen, and that noun will appear, glistening, ready for your use. And yes, Albert Einstein counts as a noun. Narwhal is in there. Are the possibilities endless, or is the star-grabbing puzzle title going to be a gimmick? I'm not a betting man, but if I were, I'd bet on the former.

I barfed: Assassin's Creed 2 Assassin's Creed wasn't much fun, and that's sad, because Ubisoft tried so hard. They aimed for the stars: a living, breathing cityscape where you, the ruthless, lightfooted asssassin, can romp and slay. However, the verisimilitude fell down the stairs when you realized that you could hide in a pile of hay and stack 80 dead guards in the town without anyone batting an eye. Or that you could murder hundreds of city law officials to stop an old man from being insulted, and he would call you "an angel." Or Ubisoft could make another sequel, and instead of fixing any of these problems, do a quick palette swap to the Renaissance. Oh, and you can hold two knives now. Two knives! Imagine what you could do with those knives! Maybe you could assassinate people.

I cheered: Heavy Rain Failure is such a sad thing. Nobody likes to fail in a video game. Heavy Rain's doing away with that ugly notion of failure: no matter how you play the bone-chilling, atmosphere drenched mystery thriller, you will complete the game. Sure, all four of your protagonists might be brutally murdered, but you will have beaten the game. Nice! Dynamic storytelling? Cool! Quick-time events... well, take 'em or leave 'em. You can't win them all. Games are all just hitting buttons anyway, right?

I cheered - twice - and set aside $400 for a PlayStation 3: The Last Guardian I can't explain it. Kitty dragon. I'm sorry, this … kitty dragon! I'm sorry, I'm choking up. When the guards… ! And the little kid? And the… okay. Team ICO is making another game. You will gasp and sob and laugh for joy and suddenly the world will feel renewed. Go online, find the trailer, watch the trailer and figure out how many groceries you'll have to leave on the supermarket shelf to afford a PS3.