Ridiculist: Terrible things to name your children

Disclaimer: If, as a child, you were given one of these names, I bear no ill will toward you and your family. These are my simple, meager opinions, and they are all I have to offer. Remember that I am an idiot.

Mike

Mike is like cheese pizza. I mean, it's a fine name, and I know that every time I see it, it'll be more or less functional.

It'll get the job done. If you're frontin' and I need to yell at you, "Mike" is a fine thing to yell, and you'll respond to it, because it's your name.

But it's not really that interesting. You can doll it up as "Mikey" or "Mick" or "Mikhail" but at the end of the day, your name is cheese on bread.

I'm going to nickname the next "Mike" I meet "Pepperoni" and see if that helps any.

One Syllable, Has A "U"

"Bud." "Chuck." "Wulf." "Thud." I've never met anyone named Thud, but that's probably why I keep getting up in the morning. I'm not one to pre-judge (yes, I am) but if your name sounds like a bag of wet concrete hitting a Thanksgiving turkey, I'll probably be busy texting while you're trying to talk to me. And, honestly, most one-syllable names have perfectly functional origins: Chuck, for example, becomes Charles, which is fine and actually sounds pretty distinguished. I'm not sure if we can do anything for poor Thud, though.

Messing With Letters

Names should look like they sound. Switching all the letters around just feels like a mean trap for the awkward substitute teachers that have to try and pronounce it. For example, I like the "last name as first name" thing, so "Bailey" is cool, but "Baileigh?" How about "Maddysin"? Every time I see a poor "y" get changed to "igh," I want to hop in the Delorean and get going up to 88 mph so I can slap that girl's future parents around.

Nickname Bait

I have a friend who wants her child to be nicknamed "Kai," which is okay, honestly, though I expect that child to perform an awful lot of special moves. But she wants to name him "Mordecai," and that's a pretty sad thing for someone to be named. And then his friends will probably all call him "Morty," and he'll develop buckteeth and collect insects in middle school. Clearly trying too hard. You can just name someone a nickname. "Kai" is fine. I like "Jack," too, especially since "John" is atrociously overused.

Precious Stones

Or at least the common ones-"Amber" or "Ruby," for example. Precious stones are worth a lot because they're rare and hard to find. But the value of anything takes a nosedive if you suddenly stumble across a giant pile of it. Gold standard? We're going to be on the "Crystal" standard pretty soon. At least we've got enough of them around, and rigorous exercise and dieting can probably control inflation.

Anything From Mythology

We've all got our crosses to bear, but if your kid is named "Atlas," he has to bear his own cross plus the crosses of everyone crawling about the stupid planet. If a name sounds really cool, it's probably because it was originally used for an underworld-ruling, thunder-chucking deity. And I know you think you got all the good genes, but your kid is never growing to grow up and wield the power of lightning in his clenched fist. I'm sorry. So, not okay: "Deimos." "Loki." "Osiris." Or "God," for that matter.

Names Of Virtue

In middle school, we had a girl named "Hope Angel." And you know, that's gotta be hard. She can't ever curse, belch, scratch herself or make a mean face at someone. She can't ever be herself, if herself is anything less than the most perfect, well ... Angel. Same goes for Chastity and Prudence. Man, I bet those girls are going to have a great time in college.

Something You Liked At 10

I know, when you were 10 years old, you were full of big ideas about how your robot army was going to rule the world and you were going to name your kid after your favorite cartoon hero.

You can have the robot army, I don't really mind as long as you keep off my lawn, but about the name thing?

You weren't ready to have a kid when you were 10, and you weren't ready to name a kid, either. I'm honestly concerned that we're going to enter a generation of kids named "Goku," "Sephiroth" and "Fullmetalalchemist."