Ridiculist: The truest of trees

The coldest time is here. As the might of winter gathers its children - creeping, cowardly frost, the hollow north winds, the glaze of noble ice on spindly boughs - we draw ourselves inward, stoking our deepest-kept fires and pulling on ever-more woolen socks.

The trees feel it, too; or perhaps we feel it for them, as they clench tightly an inhuman, unrelatable, ineffable stoicism. They have a unique sort of life, frozen within them, persevering even through their annual burial. And as I write, fingers numb to the bone, pen scratching at my frozen inkwell, I think on that life, and I think about its vibrancy, its potency, its eternal promise of summer and renewal. I think about the trees I've known, both meager and mighty.

Also, I think of that one tree by Mirror Lake that you could totally have sex in until UConn went and whacked a bunch of the branches off. Let's talk about some awesome trees!

The Charter Oak Yeah, you were all thinking it, right? Those of you that live in Connecticut, at least. It is the most and only interesting thing about our state, evidenced by the fact that it is on our quarter. The reason for its "legendary" status is actually pretty boring; I guess someone hid Connecticut's license and registration there, which was probably impossible to find when the cops stopped the colony for running a red light. By red light, I mean, you know … King George.

The Burning Bush Listed only as an honorable mention (it's not exactly a tree so much as a shrub), but being evidence of God's will and almighty power on Earth is pretty badass. I mean, I can't do that.

The Great Deku Tree Sadly, "Zelda"'s Great Deku Tree was probably more awesome during the 19th century, when mustaches were in fashion.

Sadly, today he's simply an inexplicable old man, like a confused grandfather who eats raw onions to oust his perennial backache.

Except instead of eating onions, he unhinges his jaw and invites you inside his spider-filled depths. Ew, Grandpa!

Grandmother Willow Awesome because she taught us the value of diplomacy over rash action; also, to sing with all the voices of the mountain and/or paint with all the colors of the wind. Little-known fact: was, at one point, married to the Deku Tree, but they both died single after his lechery and gambling drove the kind-hearted Willow to drink.

The Giving Tree Boy meets tree, boy takes all the tree's stuff, boy cuts down tree and sits on the stump. The moral? Take your sucker friends for all they're worth.

Yggdrasil, the World Tree Honestly, this tree is so large and so far away that you probably don't notice it on a day-to-day basis. Which is fine, honestly, because it's not going to mess with you; there aren't any Jötunn Squirrels of Loki or anything up there waiting to hurl death-acorns into your skull. Conveniently, however, Yggdrasil will shake and tremble when the end of the world begins, and so you'll know it's time to go have sex with all the strangers you wouldn't give the time of day to otherwise.

George Washington's Cherry Tree When the hour was darkest for the young Revolutionaries, Knight-Captain Washington discovered the Cherry Tree, buried under the Castle of Valley Forge, an ancient weapon of incomprehensible power. Wielding the tree like a battering ram, Washington crushed the invading British death-fleets and declared himself King of Americaland.

The White Tree of Gondor I don't understand why this tree is so important and symbolic. I guess I thought it was a big deal when it symbolized the glory, nay, the very existence of Gondor, Kingdom of Important Men, and so when it dies it's ... very ... uh, something?

But then I found out there have been a whole ton of White Trees of Gondor, like, they've had four of them so far. I guess there's a whole White Forest of Gondor out there. Maybe that's where all the female characters in "The Lord of the Rings" live.

The Tree of Knowledge Along with its lesser-known cousin, the Tree of Life, these trees symbolize God being kind of a jerk. If you don't know the story, it went something like this: "Hey, Adam. Pull my finger." "No." "Immortality and godlike knowledge! All yours! Just pull my finger." "Okay, fine." "Pppthbt! Eternal damnation! Fiery ever-turning sword! You suck, Adam!"