You think you've got cool plans next week? No. You don't. Not like these people. These people are from history. As you sail down the jet-stream to the Bahamas or Key West or Cancun, pause and recall the rich tradition of which you've become a part.
Abraham Lincoln's seven-day drama marathon
Despite his boundless energy and over-long limbs, winning the American Civil War has left President Abraham Lincoln exhausted. He's planning a weeklong recuperation with nightly showings of his favorite play, "Our American Cousin." The President will leave his crack team of samurai bodyguards and emergency doctors at home, saying that "Professionals have no taste for the arts. Besides, who would ever want to shoot me in a theater? I mean, really?" ... Uh, too soon?
Oregon Trail road trip
"Oh. Shoot the bear! Shoot the bear!" (click) "Yeah!" "A weasel! Shoot the weasel!" (click, click, click) "I can't hit the weasels. Weasels are too small, and they're so fast." "Yeah. Hey, you can only carry 100 pounds back to the wagon? What gives? I hate this game. I'm hungry. Hey, Mom? Mom?" "Guys, I think Mom died of cholera." "Dammit."
Alternative Spring Break to the New World
Tired of wasting your life?
Want to make a difference this year? Join the University of England's Alternative Spring Break trip to the New World!
Experience life free from the constraints of modern society! Work to develop over 3 million square miles of unspoiled land! Performing engaging community service projects with charmingly rustic natives! No smallpox, typhus or measles screenings necessary!
Beethoven's Artistic Retreat
"OK, got my appletini, got my fountain pen... a whole week away from the wifey... OK. Here I go. So... Man. What to write, what to write... C-minor? Dun dun... dun dun, nah. God, C-minor is so f---ing trite. Yeah, well, so's everything, I guess. Minor is trite Go with it, Beethoven. Go with it. OK, I got one. How about... dun dun dun... daaaan... no. More like... dun daaa, da-na - HEY! - duh, da da... yeah. OK. Yeah."
Artemis Does Greece
When Artemis awoke one sunny April morning, she discovered Zeus, Hephaestus, Thor, Diana from Rome, Ganondorf and three pigs piled in the bed next to her. "Jesus Christ," she muttered. "Circe's parties are always so f----d up." Revisionist history insists on calling her the "Virgin Goddess."
Something Funny about Pompeii
No! Nothing's funny about Pompeii! Thousands of people died in Pompeii! Shame on you for trying to salvage some miserable little joke out of a national tragedy! Yes, I know Rome was never technically a nation! You're still a jerk!
Henry VIII's Wild Week
"Yeah... dude, I met this girl, she's all right. Cathy. She seems smart, funny... I like her hair. I think she can take care of me, you know? Like, a girl like that, they don't come along every day. Not like the other... five. God, this week's been crazy. Sunday divorced, Monday beheaded, Tuesday... who was Tuesday? Jane something. Cleves? No, that was Anne. Anne... something. Wednesday, uh, what did I do? I forget. Met Cathy on Thursday, no, a different Cathy. Yeah, I beheaded her. I dunno, man, women are weird."
The Sodomite Shuffle
Little-known fact: the first MTV Spring Break was actually filmed in Sodom, near the Dead Sea. After every other inhabitant of the city partied so hard that they died, Lot ditched the joint for a more happenin' scene. Unfortunately, his wife forgot her purse, so she she turned around to get it and was turned into a pillar of salt. Fortunately, his second wife also forgot her purse, so she turned around and was turned into a giant margarita. "Sweet!" said Lot ... Uh, too soon?
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