The guide to the gym for people who don't really go to the gym

I'm not perfect. I get nightmares sometimes.

"Bulls---!" you cry. "Your heart is ever-steely!"

I know, it's weird. But even men of pure iron have their secret fears. You might be afraid of being robbed, you might not like very large dogs, maybe you're leery of certain death. Me, I'm scared of the gym - or at least I was scared of the gym, until I traveled to the future and read this "Gym Guide for People Who Are Afraid of the Gym" article I'm about to write.

Now, I'm a gym god. Maybe you've noticed me around campus; I'm the guy who keeps picking up the Apartment Shuttle and throwing it across Mirror Lake.

Want to be like me, but never touched a treadmill in your life? Terrified of all the huge men with biceps the size of mastodons? Afraid you're allergic to sweat? Get ready, dude: your fear is about to be drop-kicked through your mental drywall.

Schedule strictly

Don't go to the gym every day. It's tough to do, and even if you manage it, you won't have the energy to really enjoy your newly Atlantean body. Do go to the gym every [blank], where [blank] is some set day and time every week. Even if you just go on Friday afternoon to warm up your forearms for keg stands, you need to stick to your schedule.

"Once you start skipping one day, skipping the next day is a lot easier," said Dan Emmons, a 6th-semester electrical engineering major. "Then, eventually, you skip two days, then three days, and then you're back to your lazy old self."

Did you know that the willpower is the largest muscle in the human body? Mine is, at least, and that's because I went to the gym, I did my three sets of 10 water-fountain bends, and I did it every week.

Once you're able to make the cross-campus trek with a little regularity, take the next step: bring a notebook or a piece of paper, and write down goals, records and motivational sayings. "Arm curl: 30 lbs. Treadmill: 1 mile. Don't get mad, get even!"

Every Little Thing You Do

At the gym, the little things count. After watching me work out, you may be inspired to lift yourself into the physique of an Austrian bodybuilder, but don't be fooled: I got here not through lanky strides, but through billions of tiny steps. You will need to take these tiny steps yourself.

"For starters, trying to run two miles on your first try exercising will most likely leave you horrified," said Lilian Chen, a 4th-semester fine arts major. "It'll discourage anyone. Everyone has to start small and then slowly work at their endurance, and it eventually pays off."

If you're jogging, go for even only half a mile three times a week, for two weeks. After two weeks, go up to a whole mile - or even three-quarters of a mile. Tiny increments over a long time lead to big gains. Ideally, this is a corollary to the first tip: tiny gains will only be noticeable if you're making them consistently over time. No, there's no shortcut; life's hard. Life's mean. You can trust me, because I'm a prize-winning bodybuilder. I don't even write these articles. My biceps do it for me.

Nobody Cares

"What if people see my chubby calves? What if people see my neck hair? What if people see the second and third noses coming out of the backs of my thighs?" What if there's an earthquake? What if your dorm collapses, and you still haven't gone to the gym, huh? Bet you'll feel like a loser.

"Sometimes I get embarrassed [at the gym], because I get really red in the face when I run," said Liz Hocking, a 6th-semester allied health major. "Which is all well and good, except for when there's, say, a cute guy on the treadmill next to me. Then that becomes unnerving, and it throws off my rhythm."

The secret that Hocking has yet to learn, however, is that, at the gym, there are two kinds of people: those who feel self-conscious, and those whose incredible full-body fitness actually prevents them from seeing other people. Their cheek muscles get in the way of their retinas. So nobody else is really looking at you - they're busy worrying about themselves. Leave your self-consciousness at the door. Maybe you'll get lucky and someone will steal it.

Bulk-up Buddies

Life is a series of lonely, loosely connected roads, leading to a common grave. Ideally, you want to be buried next to someone cool, so you don't have to share timeless eternity with that gross guy from your Stasitics class. No, this seat is taken. Taken!

And what better place to start your two-human team than the gym? A gym buddy provides many useful services. They could teach you about the complicated weight machines ("I don't think your head goes there"), give you positive reinforcement ("I think your butt is actually getting bigger") and motivate you to make good choices ("Tuesday is Dunkaccino Day!") And, unlike all the other uncaring strangers, they'll actually call for help when your spine telescopes during a push-up.