Top InstantDaily personas

You didn't get into the InstantDaily today, did you? Or yesterday? No, I didn't think so. And I wouldn't even bother trying tomorrow.

That's because there are only nine people on campus who ever get into the InstantDaily, and The Daily Campus knows who they are. We keep them in the basement, actually. They live off of honey mustard and whatever's left in our cans of Arizona iced tea after we're done. Would you like to meet them? I can let them out for a minute, if you'd like. Yeah. I'll do that.

9. The lonely human

I don't know his name, but I think it rhymes with "Sandy Manberg." He hasn't been himself for the past few days, actually. No sports, no good times. I think it's something to do, with, well, you know. His performance. I mean, like, sexually. It's actually kind of gross. But I'm not worried. I'm sure he'll be fine soon enough. He's probably just on a boat. Metaphorically.

8. Definitely not a freshman

We actually don't have to keep her locked up, because she can't move under the weight of her backpack anyway. Even if she did get out, she'd never be able to find the exit without a map. She's quiet when she talks; I think the lanyards are cutting off her windpipe. It's hard to tell what she is under all those free T-shirts, but she's definitely not a freshman.

7. Nice mcLovefriends

She's so helpful! Her speech is so simple, her diction so pedestrian, but somehow she warms my heart with every submission. If it weren't for her, I'd miss move-in day, commencement, Fridays and Christmas! "Hi, everyone!" "I love you!" "You're great!" Yes! We are great! You are too! Thank you so, so much!

6. The graduate

This guy's got the skills to succeed and the drive to dominate. He got into Harvard, Princeton and UC The Moon. He's free and clear of UConn forever - or he would be, if he hadn't left his brain, his pancreas, his coccyx and his typing fingers here. They still send InstantDailies sometimes, crawling disembodied over a dusty MacBook Pro. "I graduated, but I still read the InstantDaily… because I left my eyeballs in Storrs."

5. DC staff member

No, this is a lie. Nobody from The Daily Campus would ever delete, tamper with or - Lord forbid - send in their own InstantDailies. This has never happened. Forget it all. What are you doing? Why are you standing there? Who are you?

4. The goal-setter

This girl sure does want to get into the InstantDaily - and I don't blame her. It's a good place to be. It's her only goal, her only thought. We know, because she never stops reminding us. But I wonder: does she really want those 15 femtoseconds of fame? Where can she go from there? Neurosurgeon? Five-star general? Professional superhero? Once you get into the InstantDaily, the rest of your life is just a slow, limp denouement, like a melting banana.

3. Loveless troglodyte

This guy blows my mind. He's got a stable of hundreds of fictional girls, and he asks a different one out via InstantDaily ever week. When he got desperate last year, he asked Jeff Adrien out. Sometimes he even tries asking the InstantDaily itself on a date, which is silly, because the InstantDaily is a unicorn.

2. Schwasteyface

Whenever this girl sends us a submission, we just print whatever funny Internet joke we like that day, because we can't read anything she types. Sometimes we quote the Farmer's Almanac.

1. The man in the infinite chronoloop

This guy? Man, I don't know how it happened, but there's this one guy who's still at that West Virginia game.