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Ugly rock stars top VH1's 100 sexiest artists

Published: Monday, October 7, 2002

Updated: Friday, August 23, 2013 17:08

Who would be number one on your list if you were to pick the 100 sexiest artists in the wonderful world of popular music. David Lee Roth, right? I don't agree, but that's okay. I can see how you would think that, but he's not even close at number 100 on VH1's definitive list. Don't worry though, you will always have that picture of him doing a full split in the air while wearing leather pants that don't quite cover up his bottom. Cherish it forever.

If you caught any of VH1's Sexiest Artists countdown you already figured out it was a monumental waste of your time. If I had more space, I could waste even more of your highly valuable time by deconstructing and analyzing every aspect of this wonderfully vain program. Instead, I'll just randomly complain about a few things, and tell you why Gwen Stefani made a huge mistake marrying Gavin when, if she would have just waited for me to graduate I would have settled down with her, gotten married, had kids, the works. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Most of the artists included deserve to be on this list, but sometimes the order of the list is a little bit screwy. It just boggles my mind how someone could consider a gruesome, ugly man like Steven Tyler sexier than Sade. Its an outrage really. Sade doesn't deserve to be insulted like that, VH1 should apologize to her. I understand the ladies like Tylers lips, but is that enough to consider him sexier than Sade? No. Not only is Sade one of the most beautiful women you will ever lay eyes on, but her music is sexier than Jennifer Love Hewitt on the cover of Rolling Stone. There really is no justification for putting Steven Tyler at number 21 and Sade at 34. I think I beat this one to death, I'll move on.

Beck is included on this list and I have a problem with his inclusion for one reason. I like Beck a lot, he seems like a great guy and his new album might be the best this year, but if he wasn't a celebrity, girls wouldn't give him the time of day. Admit it, the guy isn't attractive at all. His body is forever stuck in puberty. Same thing with Kurt Cobain, wonderful musician but ultimately unattractive. I don't think he would have claimed to be sexy if you asked him, that's not what his music was about. It was mainly about self-loathing, which I guess is cool if you're into that kind of thing. Prince, sure, that guy is sexy in a sexually ambiguous sort of way, and he deserves the top ten ranking he got, but Kurt Cobain really wasn't sexy, he was just a genius.

I don't understand why people consider Mick Jagger sexy. Tina Turner is ten times sexier than Mick Jagger. Tina Turner has the best legs in show business, and the way she works it is just hot. Mick Jagger stole his moves from Tina Turner, and he even admits it. They are two of the sexier artists in the business, but I have to say Tina has Mick beat.

I know I sound cynical, and you probably think I care way too much about something so trivial, but seriously, if I don't critique VH1, who will? What happens when VH1 rages unchecked? How many of these 100 greatest lists will they pump out? Where does the madness stop? It's a scary thought, and its best to stay vigilant in the fight against VH1.

In conclusion, I really don't care all that much about VH1 or their 100 sexiest artists. I really wish they would just stop with all of the original programming that no one likes and play the Motley Crue "Behind the Music" 24 hours a day. That's good stuff. Tommy Lee is so interesting, I could listen to him talk all day. Why don't they do a reality show with him? His life is so cool. He has a Starbucks in his house. If only we could all live our lives a little more like that guy, the world would be a better place.

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