A Running Diary Of The Republican Debate

It's the summertime and no one is in Storrs, save for the few geeks taking summer classes, trying to get ahead. That means no one is going to read what I am right now composing. So I'm going to try something new. I'm going to write a running diary of the New Hampshire Republican Debate (aired last Tuesday), and if it sucks only my mother will have to read it. Here it goes:

7:00 p.m. - Wolf Blitzer introduces the debate exactly the same way he did for the Democrats. God bless the teleprompter, and God bless Wolf Blitzer's beard.

7:02 p.m. - Introduction of the candidates. Tommy Thompson takes a shot at Fred Thompson for having the same last name as him. In other news, Fred Thompson gets one more minute of free press.

7:04 p.m. - Who is Duncan Hunter?

7:05 p.m. - It seems someone in the audience has brought in a buzzer, and when someone speaks who he or she doesn't like, they ring it loudly.

7:06 p.m. - One minute into the debate, and Mitt Romney has already sidestepped two questions on Iraq. Rudy Giuliani answers the Iraq question, and hears the buzzer.

7:08 p.m. - John McCain looks like the alien in "Men in Black" that uses a human skin over his bug-like body. His tie, on the other hand, looks like a tasty Christmas candy cane.

7:12 p.m. - Tommy Thompson yells when he talks. Having a normal conversation with him must be miserable.

7:14 p.m. - Ron Paul hears two buzzers. That's rough. In a debate full of buzzes, he actually received one more buzz than anyone else.

7:22 p.m. - Tom Tancredo's hair is styled in such a way to make it appear as though he has a mullet. While trying to figure out whether or not it is a mullet, I missed his answer to a question. But, I did hear him say that being bilingual is bad. That's right. People who speak Spanish and English will destroy the fabric of America.

7:26 p.m. - Romney blasts the Z-Visa. McCain sponsored the bill introducing the Z-Visa. While answering, the skin on McCain's neck droops a little further.

7:32 p.m. - Hunter states if people can climb his proposed border fence, he'd sign them up for the Olympics. I ask Hunter, "For what event"?

7:34 p.m. - Apparently the buzzing is just lightning timed to strike only when unpopular candidates speak, and engineered to sound like a buzzer.

7:35 p.m. - For the first time in 20 minutes, Paul speaks.

7:35 p.m. - Paul stops speaking, and goes back to sleep.

7:36 p.m. - McCain is the only Republican who thinks that English shouldn't be an official language. Romney looks at him like he is a Mexican.

7:39 p.m. - Tommy Thompson is forced to answer a question about Fred Thompson. Does the former stand a chance in the race now that the latter has announced?

7:41 p.m. - The lightning screws with Giuliani's microphone in the middle of his position on abortion, further making his abortion views indecipherable.

7:45 p.m. - Sen. Brownback says faith and science are the same. Apparently, God is a human descended from a monkey.

7:47 p.m. - Paul says that Congress can "make no law" restricting the free exercise of religion, so he leaves it for local levels. He should read the 14th Amendment.

7:50 p.m. - Giuliani's microphone cuts out again, and in the background, a producer or another candidate says, "Oh, Jesus."

7:53 p.m. - Paul makes the best point of his candidacy regarding the subsidizing of oil research. He immediately announces his retirement, having reached the pinnacle of his career.

7:57 p.m. - Time for "Don't ask. Don't tell." Giuliani is asked about translators being dismissed because they are gay, and he says that now is not the time to deal with the issue. Clearly now is not the time for Arabic translators in the military.

8:01 p.m. - I wonder whether or not they'll have to kill off Fred Thompson's character in "Law and Order."

8:06 p.m. - Giuliani, Romney, and Huckabee argue that Libby is innocent, and that the prosecutor and judge were out of line, without reading the transcript for the trial. At least they weigh all the facts, before they make decisions. This has never gotten our country in trouble before.

8:17 p.m. - Sen. Brownback will introduce a bill tomorrow dividing Iraq into three states, thus undoing the damage Britain caused decades ago. How is this not a good idea?

8:20 p.m. - Paul lowers his stock back to where it should be, after essentially announcing Iraq is a waste, to the sister of a veteran. There goes nuance.

8:36 p.m. - Paul rails against preemptive war. He's right, but he's speaking to the wrong crowd. If he had a (D) next to his name, he would be leading the race.

8:39 p.m. - The anti-second language Romney has his website and campaign information available in Spanish. Votar por Romney señors. Meanwhile, Tancredo announced that bilingual countries "don't work." Switzerland is doing fine. Oh, and Tancredo also once related Miami to a Third World country.

8:45 p.m. - McCain promises to veto any bill with any pork on it. Is it possible for a government to operate without any laws?

8:47 p.m. - Tancredo is insane. He just announced that George Bush governed as a liberal. I wonder how he would say Bill Clinton governed.

8:50 p.m. - Tancredo is insane. He believes an immigrant should cut all ties with home. He even said cut ties with family as well, but then pretended to stutter. He thinks legal immigration needs to be put on hold too. Sorry Europe.

8:59 p.m. - Holy hell, Tancredo is insane.

That's it folks. There they are - your current crop of Republican candidates, raw and uncut. From Tancredo, who happens to be insane, to Paul, who happens to actually be a libertarian, to Romney, who happens to be nothing but a suit and a hairdo, these are your choices next summer. Makes you kind-of wish Fred Thompson would hurry up and enter the race, doesn't it?

Commentary Editor Kyle Thomas is a 7th-semester political science and history double major.