Real World Worse Than College Bubble

I'm writing this column to this spring's graduating class. That may seem like an obvious statement, this being the graduation issue and all, but you can never be too careful. For the most part I am jealous of you - well most of you, some of you are probably in for a rude awakening. However there is a part of me that fully intends to enjoy one more year in this nice little college bubble.

For those of you that are sad to be leaving, I would like to remind you of some of the things that until a few days ago you were most likely cursing up and down with the rest of us. Be happy to be leaving ResLife. It's awful. For those of you that have remained on campus for your duration at UConn you can finally live somewhere that lets you have a keg. Or if that's not your thing at least you can stop carrying a backpack to the liquor store so you can smuggle that 30 pack or a handle of vodka into your room. I realize that for you philosophy majors who are graduating just to move back in with your parents this may not be an actual possibility - but that's what you get for majoring in philosophy.

Second on your list of reasons to be glad to wave goodbye to UConn is the fact that you can say goodbye to the dining halls. Finally, you don't have to worry about things like points and flex-passes. More importantly, you no longer have to worry about what exactly that plate of "food" you just choked down is going to do to your stomach. On the other hand, those philosophy majors who manage to move out of their parents' house into a glamorous studio apartment will have to worry about affording anything to eat.

Those of you who have jobs lined up - sorry again philosophy majors - should be very excited about the fact that you will never have to do homework again. No more pretending to read as you talk on Facebook to everyone you know. No more writing papers about the book you never read because you were Facebooking. Another thing you get to look forward to is never having to deal with finals again. Of course if you're going to grad school it may be another story, but if you wanted to graduate and do nothing you should have majored in philosophy.

Finally on this small list, of course, will be your ability to drive places and actually park in the same state as your destination. Don't get me wrong, there are meter maids out in the real world too, although I highly doubt that they pursue ticketing with quite the enthusiasm as the guy that does it here.

Now that being said there are worse places on the planet than UConn. Darfur comes to mind. After all, where else can you stand in a parking lot with 10,000 college kids for no other reason than to get trashed and maybe to see a fight. You'll also never be able to walk down a road that's lit up better than a city block but that's still named the rape trail - sorry, the "Celeron bike path." Truthfully you could come back for the Spring Weekend festivities or any of the parties at Carriage or Celeron but do you really want to be that guy?

You'll probably miss some of the other things UConn has offered, which no doubt most of you never partook in. Once you leave college it's generally frowned upon to sleep until noon or later on a daily basis. You won't be able to work on just Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore either. Going to work still drunk from the night before? Probably out of the question, unless you've landed a job in Ted Kennedy's office. Things like Oozeball and "One-Ton Sundaes" are not generally offered in most office buildings.

Those of you who have been here for four years remember when the men and women won the NCAA Tournament and you won't be at college for that to happen ever again. Granted, the way things are going, the rest of us will never be in college to see it either.

Apart from the student section of the basketball games, you won't be able to go to pointless rallies or presentations, or walk by people lying on the ground just "dying for a change." It's annoying but it's also always amusing. Likewise you won't be able to pretend like you're going to attend all those random lectures but then go out drinking instead.

Finally the thing you are all going to miss the most - there will be no more free stuff. In the real world when some else is celebrating something don't expect them to give you a T-shirt just for the hell of it. The best T-shirt deal you can hope for out there in the real world is the five for $5 deal from street vendors. I hope you enjoyed it while you were here, but in the real world everywhere you go you are not bombarded with condoms at all times. They won't be on the tables as you leave restaurants and they certainly won't be in baskets hanging on your neighbors' doors. For that matter, once you leave college its considered weird to attend workshops on masturbation and sex toys - actually I think that's considered weird even in college.

All in all I'm still jealous of you soon-to-be graduates, but I suppose I can endure one more year of choking down the "food" in the dining halls, sneaking handles up to my room and avoiding the meter maid dude in exchange for another spring weekend and free-stuff. Plus, rumor has it next year is our year for men's basketball. I hope you all enjoyed the bubble while it lasted. I sure plan to.

Rob Casapulla is the Associate Commentary Editor. He is a 6th-semester political science major.