Coaches should get Palmer treatment

I've never seen Arnold Palmer play golf. I know he's an all-time great, that he won multiple major championships. I know there was a nickname for the fervent hoards of golf fans that would follow him around and cheer his every move during a round. They were known as "Arnie's Army."

If I had to, I could even point him out in a crowd of other famous geezers, but again, it's not because I've routinely watched him swing that golfing stick of his over the years or anything like that.

The truth is, I am part of an "Arnie's Army," but it's one of very different stripes. Our regiment doesn't watch much golf. Today's Arnie's soldiers are the future doctors, lawyers, businesspeople and in my case, writers walking this and presumably other college campuses nationwide.

We're too young to have taken part in "Arnie's Army I," but what we do know is this: Arizona Arnold Palmer Half Iced Tea/Half Lemonade rocks and its greatness lifts us up wherever we go. At 99 cents per 23 oz. can, it's a delicious and economical energy boost perfect for long nights at the office or whatever it is you non-journalism majors do to prepare for being poor when you get out of this place.

Just this Monday, I grabbed an Arnie from one of the many UConn locations it's available at - the former Store24 on this occasion - and took a prolonged look at the tall, black can before cracking it open. Palmer's accomplishments are scrawled all over it, along with pictures from his glory days and a little story about how his signature drink came to be.

My brief Palmer lesson got me thinking about some of the icons on this campus that deserve their own drink and what their self-titled drinks might look like if they actually landed in stores. And then I thought, "Hey, you have a bi-weekly column for making that kind of stupidity public."

With basketball season just getting underway this week, I could think of no better place to start on a line of Husky-themed, icon-endorsed beverages than in the basketball offices of Gampel Pavilion. Here's what I dreamed up:

The Jim Calhoun

My first order of business when conjuring a Calhoun-themed drink was the packaging. The Jim Calhoun has to come in something that reflects his longevity and impressive resume while simultaneously capturing that signature Calhoun ferocity and toughness - sometimes confused for a mean streak the likes of which keeps nosey bloggers up at night.

Yes, toughness and longevity are Calhoun's two most marketable traits. The man is, after all, 805-341 as a head basketball coach and 3-0 against cancer as a human. He took a horrific spill during a charity bike race this June, dusted himself off and FINISHED THE RACE. His drink cannot ever, under any circumstances, be purchased in a wimpy vessel like a juice box or your standard aluminum can. My proposal? Every Jim Calhoun will come in a battered old miniature oil drum - kind of like Heineken's mini-keg cans only not shiny or aesthetically pleasing at all. There will be no tabs or holes for straws. You do what you have to do to fight it open and get at its contents, much like Calhoun fought and scrapped to turn a little agricultural school in the boondocks of northeastern Connecticut into a college basketball mecca.

Oh, and as for the liquid inside? Tepid black coffee, like I imagine would sit on Calhoun's desk in Styrofoam cups as he toiled into the wee hours, orchestrating game plans for running Big East opponents out of his gym. I know that's not too appealing on its own, but Calhoun's Irish heritage would seem to lend itself well to marrying his drink with a couple of others when the weekend rolls around. "Bartender? Calhoun, Jameson and your most effective blunt object, please."

Unlike Palmer's can, The Jim Calhoun would come completely devoid of anecdotes, accolades or literature of any kind save for one thing. Where most cans list the refund amount for a return on a beverage, The Jim Calhoun says, you guessed it, "Not A Dime Back!" (No, I did not write this entire column because that single, lame joke popped into my head)

The Geno Auriemma

While certainly bonded by their achievements, Auriemma and Calhoun are very different people - both in terms of personality and coaching style. It's also no secret that they're not buddies. With that on mind, The Geno is a polar opposite to The Jim in its packaging as well as the product inside.

The theme I had in mind for Auriemma's drink centers around the concept of perfection. His players play at a perfect level. He applies perfection to everything he does; his coaching, his hair, you name it. The Huskies have gone unbeaten three times in their six National Championship runs under Auriemma and there's no telling how many more times they'll accomplish the rare feat before the 55-year-old hangs it up.

My clever brainstorm for a Geno-themed thirst-quencher that would relay that standard in perfection he's set: The purest, most perfect water available on the planet.

The nutrition facts would read, "39 victories, 0 losses. Also: 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of sodium…" you get the picture. I know water doesn't have any of those things anyway, but this water would be purer than what you'd find in your standard Poland Spring or Evian bottle.

Not possible, you say, to improve on the purity of the modern crop of bottled water brands? The Geno Auriemma finds a way. Auriemma has improved on perfection before and he just might do it again.

In terms of packaging, The Geno comes in your standard clear plastic water bottle but that's where the typical ends. A tiny silk replica of one of Auriemma's neckties hangs from the neck of the bottle and the cap itself - my personal favorite feature - is a hard plastic copy of that perfect coif of brown hair on Geno's head. You can collect the ties - which would come in a variety of sharp designs, obviously - along with the caps and trade them with your friends.

With any luck, Arizona will take these ideas and run with them and some kid in 2040 will pick up a Geno or a Jim, mostly oblivious to their origins but completely attuned to the refreshment they presently provide. This "Arnie's Army" soldier will be proud to fill them in, whether they like it or not.