Epic sophomore slumps
Published: Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, October 8, 2013 22:10
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” – I actually enjoyed the first “Transformers” movie. There are plenty of flaws and things you can complain about, and I am aware that it is your typical immature Michael Bay movie, but it worked. It was a fun and entertaining popcorn movie. “Revenge of the Fallen” is the kind of sequel you make when you know it’s going to have a big opening weekend regardless of quality. The entire cast returns which can be a good thing, but the film feels rather forced. The film tries to be so funny throughout that it forgets it is an action movie. It’s also not funny. Those two twin child robots who were supposed to be ghetto black youths were so stereotypical and offensive that it’s amazing it was allowed to be written in the 21st century. The action scenes are also recycled from the first film. It’s formulaic writing at its worst.
“Speed 2: Cruise Control” – It’s amazing that this movie was even made. Keanu Reeves drops out, so instead of dropping the project we are now focused on Sandra Bullock’s supporting role from the first film as a lead. It gets worse. The movie is called “Speed.” It takes place on a boat. I was told the boat was moving fast for a boat, but who cares? To make it worse, none of the characters are interesting and the plot is so cliché ridden and predictable that a third grader can see the ending coming halfway through. I was rooting for the boat to sink just so the movie would end.
“Taken 2” – Did anybody watch “Taken” and feel as if there was more to the story? Did it need to be continued? No. Needless to say, the sequel we got was nothing but ridiculous action sequences followed by ridiculous dialogue and plots. The entire plot is a huge plot hole, but within that plot hole there are even more plot holes. Liam Neeson does look cool punching people, but it’s not cool enough to save this sequel from being awful.
“Batman & Robin” – This sequel will one day go down in history as the most expensive toy commercial ever made. Famously called the worst film ever made by many and disowned by every single member of its cast and production team, even the director, “Batman and Robin” is about as bad as you can imagine. George Clooney was a horrible Batman. For some reason Arnold Schwarzenegger is here as Mr. Freeze speaking in heavy puns about being cold and ice and freezing things. How this project came to be without the knowledge of its awfulness is mindboggling. I will defend it on one level, and that is that the homosexual overtones it was accused of having are preposterous and nothing more than a massive case of ignorance and homophobia directed at its openly homosexual director. However, the movie still sucks.
“Jason X” – I suppose the “Friday the 13th” sequels are B-movies at best and a lot of them aren’t so great. This one is only worth mentioning because it is so awful that it is truly one of the worst movies I have ever seen. First of all, why would we put Jason in space? Where did that idea come from? Second of all, the acting sucks. Third of all, while slasher films don’t need too much of a plot, this one is so stupid it’s problematic. Basically, Jason unthaws on a space ship in the future after being discovered on an abandoned Earth and then murders everyone one by one. You imagined that, but there are puns and all sorts of nonsense uttered before deaths that would make Schwarzenegger’s Freeze jealous. In the movie, one of the characters says, “this sucks on so many levels.” They must have been referring to the script.