Keep calm and communicate
Published: Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, December 3, 2013 22:12
Plenty of people look for cues in body language when they’re hooking up rather than asking how their sexual partner feels the entire time. I get why: asking feels clunky to some people, and entirely different from the smooth way that people imagine ideal sex to be. But sex isn’t consistently smooth or without troubles for anyone – there’s always going to be bumps in the road. There could be awkward positions that make you to feel like you look unattractive, or positions that seem sexy, but in actuality just culminate in you kicking them by accident. There could even be moments where you mean to sexily flip your hair and instead get it caught in your mouth. With all of the things that can complicate sex, what’s one more, really?
Sex should be a fun, enjoyable experience. First and foremost, you should find if your partner is comfortable with having sex – despite them following you back to your dorm, they might not have thought it would go farther than a few bases. It’s always best to state your intentions: it’s not being rude at all. Some people think this is forward and entirely too blunt, but it is, after all, 2013. It’s perfectly fine to name your intentions, as long as you don’t make the other person uncomfortable. Simply ask them if they’re into having sex with you, and if it’s an enthusiastic affirmative, then carry on! If they seem unsure or don’t want to, either let them leave and offer them an out. There should never be a circumstance where a person feels obligated to have sex with you, or vice versa.
Discuss what is and is not off limits. It can ruin the experience and render awful consequences for you or your partner if you somehow over-step because you didn’t talk about it. It’s probably for the best that you both invent and agree upon a safe-word, so that there is no confusion when someone wants to tap out. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and get carried away, but this should never be done at the expense of anyone’s comfort. It may be difficult, but it is your responsibility to rein yourself in and pay attention to your partner. Likewise, it’s equally as important for them to pay attention to you.
Consent is an incredibly important part of having sex with anyone. It might seem awkward to repeatedly ask someone “Is this alright? Do you feel good?” throughout foreplay and the actual sex act, but it pays off in the end. You can be comfortable because your partner is comfortable, and with enthusiastic verbal consent, there’s no doubting that the two of you have had anything other than a good time.