Lessons I've Learned From T.V.: Don't be stupid, stay alive
Published: Sunday, October 20, 2013
Updated: Sunday, October 20, 2013 22:10
If there is one reason that I am still alive, it’s because in my 21 years I have seen enough movies to know how to survive just about any sort of scary situation. The rules are very basic, but nobody ever thinks about them. Lucky for you, I have and I will tell you how to survive.
The first step is really easy. Don’t go anywhere that sounds like an easy premise for a horror movie. Let’s take this into context. I don’t know if I do or don’t believe in ghosts, but I don’t go to places I have been told are haunted. Do I believe in hauntings? No, but in every movie there’s a skeptic who ends up dying a believer. Don’t go to haunted cemeteries, houses, asylums or anywhere else haunted. I’ve been invited numerous times to check out places like this. My answer is hell no every single time.
Don’t go camping in places like Camp Crystal Lake where Jason Voorhees has been known to murder horny and stupid teenagers again and again. In one of the movies people show up there the next day after a huge massacre in the area. I already wrote once about the questionable amount of stupidity people have in horror movies and I don’t want to upset my one weekly reader, by repeating the material. Let’s just ask what the hell is up with that and drop it there. Actually, don’t go camping at all, they made at least one billion movies in the 80s where it didn’t end well for the campers. Think before you do anything that sounds like it could potentially be a horror movie set up.
The “Scream” franchise gave us some basic rules for surviving a murder spree. Don’t drink or do drugs, don’t have sex and never say “I’ll be right back” because you won’t. You’ll be dead. Very dead. The killer or killers will somehow be unable to kill you if you don’t engage in bad behavior. This is simple enough, but considering the amount of horror sequels made nowadays you’re probably not in an original. Scream rules are not as forgiving for sequels. The rules change and anybody can die.
“Friday the 13th” and other slashers gave us better rules for sequels. No matter what, keep your clothes on. If you take off any of your clothes for any reason what so ever you will die. This is especially true if you are a woman because the male audience watching you undress is now uninterested in you. Never go anywhere alone. Don’t even go to the bathroom alone. You probably already check behind the shower curtains because you’ve seen Psycho, but Jason has killed people sitting in porta-potties. There literally is not a death I can think of more embarrassing than being killed sitting on a porta-pottie. Use the buddy system EVERYWHERE!
Never stand in front of a window. For some reason killers always lunge at their victims through windows. Strangely, the audience somehow does not suspect it and jumps. Even stranger, the victim hiding from the killer is standing in front of a window. Also, if you and your friends start to have strange nightmares where the same killer is stalking you, don’t go to sleep. What you need to do is call up Leonardo DiCaprio and get him to do some inception stuff to get this guy out of your head. Except his dead wife may make matters worse so you might want to call up Joseph Gordon-Levitt instead.
All in all, the key to surviving a horror movie is to be smart, avoid danger and be creative because the killer always will. As the movie progresses the deaths will also get more creative, so you need to be as well. The odds are against you, but you can survive if you are smart mainly because chances are everyone else will be stupid.