Sex and the UniverCity: Blown Away: Examining Oral Sex
Published: Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Updated: Wednesday, February 8, 2012 00:02
The Cardinal Rule
"You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter." This is poor advice from the movie "Old School" that most people know better than to follow. Teeth are painful and scary, and can result in injuries to your partner's member. You might even be scraping a little bit without realizing it. Practice on your fingers, in a private setting. If you can feel your teeth, figure out what you need to do differently with your lips in order to not hurt anyone's penis.
Q: Is it okay to touch a guy's balls?
A: In the words of Brian Coughlin, 8th-semester history major, "If you ignore the sack, that blowjob is whack. But, if you don't play gentle, he will go mental." This is one of the most profound things that I have ever heard. Basically, the general consensus amongst the males and females I polled was that everyone's balls are different and some can be rather, er, testy. Ball-play can be the cherry on top of a good blowjob, when done right and both parties are comfortable with that sort of thing. On the other hand, an anonymous source described it as somewhat of a "doctor's office examination." The bottom line is to take time to get to know what someone likes.
Blowjob Horror stories and my interpretations:
"She looked me in the eye and said, ‘Don't come in my mouth, that's what my boyfriend does.'" – David Art., 8th-semester English major.
This is not a question of technique. It boils down to the fact that cheating is bad and you should not go around giving blowjobs all willy-nilly.
"I know a girl that was giving head to a really drunk guy while they were hooking up in a closet and he peed in her mouth. She continued to give him head after he peed in her mouth." – Victoria A., 6th-semester communications disorder major
This might have been a practical joke, or a sad attempt at hastening a subpar drunken beej. There are so many reasons why this could have happened, but it is sort of a "choose your own adventure" that began with alcohol. Just remember that alcohol is like lube. A little bit helps to get things going and a lot of it ends up being a big mess.
"A girl was giving me head, and then pulled her face away and shot me in the eye with my own semen. That's why I will never give facials." – Tom N., 8th- semester political science major.
This seems like a freak accident, but you could always close your eyes if you think this might happen to you.
"I once tried to give a blowjob in the shower and I almost drowned." – Mistletoe M., 8th-semester political science major
Synchronized swimming lessons could help your breathing.
"I know this other girl that got semen in her eye, and had to wear glasses for a week." –Victoria N., 6th-semester communication disorders major
Semen can come out of a man's penis at speeds as fast as 32 mph. No matter how much you would like to watch this phenomenon, you should close your eyes for safety when it is in close proximity to your face. Class dismissed.