Flying: It's Not Only For Experienced Pilots Anymore

RidicuList: The Top 10 Things That Fly, But Are Not Planes

By: John Bailey

Posted: 5/2/08

10. Woolly Flying Squirrel

The Woolly Flying Squirrel (Eupetaurus cinerus) is awesome, because it is a squirrel that can also fly. It has something called a "woolly pelage," which looks kind of like "woolly package," and that's pretty cool. Ever wish you were a squirrel? Ever wish you could fly? Ever wish you were awesome? Ever notice how similar all those dreams really are? Q.E.D. man.

9. Chuck Yeager

Chuck Yeager, one could argue, is not a "thing." He is a man, and men are not things. But Chuck Yeager transcends mere manhood. He was the first man to travel faster than sound in an aircraft, the Bell X-1, which stands for "sweet ride that Chuck Yeager picks up all the chicks in." If you were a chick ("chicks" only existed in the early 1950's), Chuck Yeager would totally pick you up. He picks up everyone. He goes so fast.

8. Batman

No, not the Batmobile, and not the Batwing. Batman can fly. If you haven't seen him fly, that's because he wasn't trying to kill you. And he doesn't need any cheeseball "super powers" to do it. If he fought Superman, Superman would lose because killing Batman would break his heart. This is because they are secret lovers. Everyone, secretly, is Batman's secret lover.

7. Gyrocopters

If you've never seen a gyrocopter, you're missing out. They're like tiny helicopters, but they never spray carcinogenic defoliating agents on you, and you can put missiles on them like James Bond in "You Only Live Twice." They fly around like just the cutest little thing, except they're also stupid and ugly. They remind one of days gone by, of simpler days, when all you needed for perfect happiness was your two-seat gyrocopter, a partly cloudy day, a picnic basket, and your little brother Tom. You and Tom travel to the high meadow of your dreams, both phyiscally and metaphorically, in a touching coming-of-age family story that you'll never forget.

6. Hot-Air Balloons

Getting a hot air balloon is tough, but once you've finagled one from your wealthy step-uncle, you're just a top hat, monocle, and handlebar mustache away from the next Presidency. Imagine if someone floated over a presidential rally in a hot air balloon, waving a white-gloved hand and chuckling in their demure Yorkshire accent? "Well, Mr. Balloon Man, what's your platform?" "My platform flies, old chap."

5. Dragons

Little kids are the most honest people you'll ever meet. They speak nothing but the truth. And what do little kids love? They love trucks. But you know what they love more? Dinosaurs.

And you know who could totally beat up a dinosaur and your dad at the same time? A fire-breathing, treasure-hoarding, peasant-devouring honest to goodness dragon.

4. Letterman Jackets

Can you fly? Well let's see. Spread out your arms, with palms facing downward. Wave them up and down a bit. Bend your knees slightly, and hop. That's not flying.

And while these jackets can't fly either, they do have special powers. Poodle-skirt babe in one arm, chocolate malt from the drive-in the other. That's not flying, but man, that jacket is fly.

3. The Flying Nun

That's it! That's all you need to know about her. She's a nun, and she flies. No other flying thing has ever been commended by any Catholic orders, which the Flying Nun has. She's well known for solving all of her problems with a highly starched hat and low body mass. So when you're feeling down, just remember: "When lift plus thrust is greater than load plus drag, anything can fly." I couldn't have said it better myself, Flying Nun.

2. Tails

Secret, little-known fact: every nerd in the whole universe loved this two-tailed fox when they were seven. Of course, on the planet Farkilixyya they called him Goruowbashi the Elder Beast of Seven Heirarchs, and he had purple tentacles instead of tails, but still: adorable, fly, flies. Tails with a letterman jacket, in a hot air balloon, giving Batman a big hug. The only thing cooler than that is...

1. Zeppelins

Zeppelins get a bad rap. But not all Zeppelins are the Hindenberg, just like not cruise ships are the Titanic, and not all college students are philosophy majors. In reality, Zeppelins are cool. They always get attacked by air pirates in gyrocopters, and they are powered by giant steam engines. They carry contraband from secret bases in Germany to hidden island fortresses. They have grand duels above the Atlantic Ocean with their huge cannons. They can shoot down dragons, and they are more electable than Hilary Clinton. Zeppelins are so cool that they named this guy "Ferdinand von Zeppelin" after them. Nobody ever named anyone "Ferdinand von Airplane." Coincidence? I think not.

Contact John Bailey at

John.C.Bailey@UConn.edu.