What if ... Amelia Earhart made it out alive?

By: John Bailey

Posted: 10/22/08

What if, what if?
What if I had asked her out? What if I'd been five minutes earlier? What if I'd studied business instead of English?
Who cares?
Your life wouldn't be any more significant, you worm of a human.
You might have gone to the dance, you might have made that big meeting, you might not be living in a burnt-out refrigerator. Why ask "what if?"
Here at The Daily Campus, we've got the power to ask the real questions. Our intrepid Multidimensional Correspondent (yours truly) hopped into the Historical Bifurcator and took a trip through fictional history - getting the real scoop on the greatest things that never were.

What if...
… Amelia Earhart hadn't hurtled into the sea?
Following her successful circumnavigation of the globe, Earhart is heralded as a national celebrity. In her position as associate editor of Cosmopolitan (totally true), she disseminates the joys of flying culture, along with her impeccable fashion sense, among teenage American girls.
Her historic flight inspires women everywhere to learn the ways of the air, and in 1935, amid growing pressure from the "flygirls" movement, President Roosevelt begins admitting women into the ranks of the U.S. Army Air Corps.
During the Second World War, Earhart overshadows Patton and MacArthur among military commanders, and designs brand-new uniforms for the USAAF, giving the Allies the morale boost they need to send the Germans packing.
Women pilots demonstrate extraordinary valor and are welcomed home as war heroes.
Post-war, America enters an idyllic golden age of nuclear families, white picket fences and women drinking beer and watching knitting competitions while men vacuum the house in tweed jackets.
Things are lovely until Laura Bush's eight years as President run the country into the ground.

… Nikola Tesla had
finished his death ray?
Tesla's 'teleforce' weapon ends the Second World War before it begins, annihilating 80 percent of the German military from the safety of a farmhouse in Poland.
Embarassed, Germany capitulates immediately and promises to stop being so mean to people, in addition to paying Poland roughly 20 billion Deutsch Marks in "looked real scary" reparations.
Einstein tries his first pierogi and moves to Poland permanently, where his mathematical and physical theories lead to the development of the first atomic weapon.
the United People's Polish Republic (UPPR). Tensions with the West build until General Earhart leads a surgical airstrike to knock down the Warsaw Wall, allowing Polish people to move back and forth in Poland, which isn't very interesting to the rest of the world, who pack up and move on. Poland fades, as usual, into obscurity.

… Adolf Hitler hadn't been rejected from art school?
At his first exhibition after graduating from Vienna's Academy of Fine Arts, Hitler's paintings "Another Quiet Friday Night" and "Why I'm Lonely" draw national acclaim. Even as he begins to enjoy some fame, his father disowns him, insisting that no son of his will be a "nancy paintbrush holder."
Despite his estrangement from his family and growing sexual dysfunction, Hitler has a moderately successful career as an art designer for public service announcements, and begins saving up a little bit for retirement, spending his time listening to Wagner and eating potato latkes.
His plans are disrupted when an elite squad of vigilantes from the future teleport into his bedroom and kill him with a flamethrower, citing "crimes against humanity" and "atrocities that can never be forgiven." There's a small, confused mention of his mysterious death in the next day's newspaper.

… FDR had been
able to walk?
After a fairly successful fifth term presidency, FDR becomes a champion gymnast at the ripe age of 67. You go, FDR! Great work! Keepin' it real for old dudes everywhere!