'The Decider' Correct, Hippies Wrong On Iraq

By: George Maynard

Posted: 5/6/07

We've all read columns by those freedom-hating, anti-American hippies who think that the war in Iraq is a big bust, but real Americans know that these colors don't run. We're going to stay in Iraq until we've accomplished what we went there to do. President Bush has set out a clear list of objectives and we will follow him to victory, because patriotism is about blind faith and unquestioning obedience to authority. Real Americans support things like the PATRIOT Act. How can that be un-American if it has the word patriot in its name? But anyways, back to the matter at hand. Liberal sissies are demanding that we withdraw our troops from Iraq, but that's actually a terrible idea, for quite a few reasons.

First of all, this is a justified war. If it wasn't justified, president Bush would never have sent thousands of soldiers and billions of dollars over there. That should be enough to convince you, but if it's not, think about this; our great commander-in-chief has said that this conflict is worth fighting and polls showed that the majority of Americans supported him when we started this conflict. Now all the sudden you people think that we can just stop fighting a war because it's tough? That's not how it is. If we give up now, we risk having Osama bin Laden call us sissies or weaklings. We can't have the rest of the world thinking America is weak, so we must fight on.

America also has several reasons to be in Iraq and these reasons are reflected in the goals which the president has set forth and accomplished over the past four years.

From the start of this battle for the survival of freedom, Bush said that we are in Iraq to stop the Iraqis from using weapons of mass destruction. Colin Powell testified before the United Nations and we all know that Colin Powell is a good American and wouldn't lie. He assured the U.N. that it was "fact, corroborated by the intelligence agencies of other countries" that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. I don't know about all of you, but I haven't seen any Iraqi weapons of mass destruction being launched at Americans lately. That leads me to believe that obviously Bush is right and this war in fact prevented Saddam from using the weapons he obviously possessed. It's a good thing we stopped the smoking gun before it became a mushroom cloud, that's for sure.

You liberals began to forget how much the Iraq war is helping our country out. You didn't care that there haven't been any WMD launches since Saddam was deposed, so Bush had to give you another reason that we're in Iraq, just to keep you satisfied. So, the president said that we are in Iraq to liberate the Iraqi people. After all, who doesn't love freedom and democracy - well with the exception of the left-wing commies? Obviously, Iraq has indeed been liberated by American forces. We used our tanks to pull down that ugly statue of Saddam that was a symbol of Iraq's oppression under the tyrant's boot. Iraq now has a functioning democratic government that's elected by Iraqi citizens who want a stake in their nation's future.

Iraq's democratic government has been built to model our own beautiful and truly representative democracy. Just like America, Iraq has politicians who don't have to answer to the people and who get to live in a pristine little bubble that we call the Green Zone. The Green Zone is supposed to be free from things like terrorism and poverty. We have one of those too, only we call it Washington D.C. So, take that liberal scum, Iraq has a great democracy, just like President Bush said it would. Mission accomplished!

Just in case that still isn't enough, Bush declared that we are also in Iraq to stop the spread of terrorism in our world. It's definitely better to fight the terrorists, thugs, and "suiciders" on the streets of Baghdad than on the streets of Los Angeles or any other American city for that matter. Plus, for those of you who are still in the dark about Sept. 11, it's pretty obvious that Saddam Hussein played a huge role in planning and executing those attacks. He clearly had many connections with terrorism, such as paying the families of suicide bombers in Israel, so I'm sure that we'll eventually find some evidence that Hussein also had links to bin Laden. We just have to wait a bit for the CIA to discover that crucial piece of intelligence.

In the meantime, Vice President Cheney has assured us that the insurgency is in its last throes. President Bush also has a plan to bring the war to its conclusion by extending tours of duty and increasing troop numbers. Even if you tofu-eating left-wingers want to run, real Americans like me, and anyone else who hasn't been reading the liberal filth some people call news, know that our President "will never withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting [him]." I for one still support the president, and you should too, because you never know when the NSA might be wiretapping you.

Weekly Columnist George Maynard is a 2nd-semester natural resources management and engineering major.