'C' Is For Cookie, That's Good Enough For Me

By: George Maynard

Posted: 4/17/08

Today children, Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter "P" - for pantophobia. Pantophobia - the fear of everything - is transforming children's television from an educational experience into a bland mess of political correctness and whitewashing.

As a kid, I can remember watching shows like "Fraggle Rock," "Sesame Street," "Power Rangers" and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." Some of the shows - i.e. Sesame Street - were overtly educational and taught kids about the alphabet, how things work and friendships. Other shows - "TMNT" - were not particularly educational in and of themselves, but at least all the action figures they spawned got kids to use their imaginations and be creative.

Unfortunately, kids' programming now is some of the most mindless garbage ever to soil the airwaves. Atrocious shows such as "Ed, Edd n Eddy" and "The Fairly Oddparents" are making kids everywhere more crude, more obnoxious and less intelligent, one quick half-hour at a time. The bigger problem here is that these shows have absolutely no redeeming value. "The Fairly Oddparents" bills itself as a show about "Off the wall parents … boring video games … and totally messed-up Fairy Godparents." Lovely. The messages of this show are that it's OK to be disrespectful to your parents and take a kid's cushy electronic lifestyle for granted. All this is brought to the viewers in drawings so angular and poor that any fourth-grader could doodle better. These shows make "Spongebob Squarepants" look wholesome and educational.

Meanwhile, Sesame Street had to undergo a makeover because it was not quite up to the standards of modern children's shows. In fact, a recent release of old episodes - appropriately titled "Sesame Street: Old School" - even comes with a warning that says "this video may not be appropriate for the needs of today's preschoolers." While such a warning may be shocking to you and in order to get the full picture of what a terrible influence "Sesame Street" was, we're going to have to look back to when the show first started in the 1960s.

In those days, Oscar the Grouch was a perfectly acceptable character. He was always very cranky and grouchy - who wouldn't be after living in a garbage can? Today, however, Oscar is the model of a clinically depressed person who promotes an unhygienic and disgusting lifestyle. Children who view programs containing Oscar in his original form may think that it's OK to cavort in trash cans or be cranky at all times. This is only one reason why "Sesame Street" now comes with a warning label though.

Our next offender is Big Bird. That's right; this overgrown fowl has an imaginary friend named Snuffaluphagus. Since Snuffy is imaginary, only Big Bird can see him. God forbid kids see that. Big Bird's disturbing activities could encourage delusional behavior in children, and nobody wants a whole bunch of kids having to deal with the emotional trauma of realizing that their imaginary friend is not real.

That's pretty innocent stuff though, compared to the depravity of the next few characters. Ernie and Bert present a couple of issues that could emotionally scar younger viewers. First of all, there's the obvious question that could be raised - are Bert and Ernie gay? They are two guys sharing the same apartment. This train of thought, which must cross the mind of every five-year-old viewer at some time, could put parents in an awkward spot, so it's best to just not expose children to that sort of risqué portrayal of life. Besides their alleged homosexual tendencies, Bert and Ernie also live in a dilapidated basement apartment. Children should not have to be exposed to such dismal living conditions, so there's another reason to avoid showing them "Sesame Street." In addition, Ernie is a little slow, which could bring about awkward questions about mentally challenged people.

By far the worst offender on the show, though, is Cookie Monster. He is the epitome of everything that is wrong with American youth. This greedy blue blob gorges himself on everything from cookies and milk to plates, cups and even pipes! Cookie Monster enjoyed a brief stint in a Sesame Street parody of "Masterpiece Theatre," which they titled "Monsterpiece Theatre." As Alistair Cookie, Cookie Monster played the role of introducing and narrating the stories presented in Monsterpiece Theatre. In this role, Cookie Monster not only smoked a classy tobacco pipe, but he ate it too, complete with his trademark "Om, nom, nom, nom, nom" chewing noises. How scarring it must have been for young viewers to see that. It's a wonder that Americans raised in the '60s didn't turn out to be a bunch of pipe-eating, plate-devouring, googly-eyed fools.

All of this is pretty disturbing, isn't it? No, I don't mean "Sesame Street," actually. What's more disturbing is that valuable television is being labeled as "unsuitable for children" while absurd mind-rotting shows are being used by parents everywhere as babysitters for a new generation of bratty kids.

Weekly columnist George Maynard is a 4th-semester natural resource management and engineering student. His column appears on Thursdays and he can be reached at George.Maynard@UConn.edu.