An Honest-To-Goodness Obesity Solution

By: Alex Schaefer

Posted: 4/11/08

If you have not seen or heard of Dateline's never-ending special "To Catch a Predator," then you have somehow managed to seclude yourself from America's mainstream press and I envy you like a jealous neighbor. I have not been able to avoid it. My mom watches it with the earnestness of a football coach studying game film and she got me to sit down for a viewing. For those who are not on avid pedophile watch, the basic premise of the show is that Dateline colludes with an agency whose workers pose as young children in chat rooms. They engage older men in conversation and use the empty promise of a good time to lure them into a house rigged with hidden cameras. Then Chris Hanson, the show's well-tailored spokesperson, pops out and confronts these men while they wallow in shame in front of a national audience.

The agency that works with the show was created to combat the apparent pedophile epidemic that is sweeping the nation. They have a headquarters reminiscent of the NASA main control room, except they are not talking to astronauts who are exploring new frontiers - they are talking to men who are trying to exploit children. The draw of the show is equivalent to the allure of a car crash or the attraction of an extremely inebriated friend. It's not a pretty sight but for some reason people cannot stop watching.

I did not even know we had a pedophile epidemic. Maybe I don't read the paper that much. But I did hear that America apparently has an obesity epidemic. I think the most visible illustration of this problem is the recent Burger King ad where the Whopper is taken off the menu and people get infuriated.

How bad does one's day have to be going to cause them to walk in, order a Whooper and react with semi-violent rage when told that it is no longer offered - especially when there are seven other types of burgers on the menu? What kind of person does one have to be in order to work up a temper in this situation? If someone is getting mad over the absence of a specific offering from an otherwise hamburger-laden menu, then it is time to evaluate a few more life decisions.

Food is now causing anger. Menu items are aggravating patrons. It's only a matter of time before people in restaurants start to react violently over more than just a fly in their soup.

Listen to what Lawrence Gostin has to say. He's a U.S. professor of health law at Georgetown University and he gave a presentation at the recent Oxford Health Alliance Summit that admitted global terrorism was a real threat but posed far less risk than obesity, diabetes and smoking-related illnesses. He's quoted as saying, "While we've been focusing so much attention on that [terrorism], we've had this silent epidemic of obesity that's killing millions of people around the world and we're devoting very little attention to it and a negligible amount of money." That is some scary stuff. Obesity is a danger. It's only a matter of time before obese people start bringing down airplanes.

"To Catch a Predator" has been extremely successful. One cannot attempt to give a kid on the street ice cream anymore without his mother snatching him away in fear. This is why I propose a new show. "To Catch a Fat Person." Hear me out.

A morbidly obese individual squeezes his way into a McDonalds and waddles up to the counter. He orders six Big Macs and gets huffy when the woman at the counter has to start the order over because her fat fingers hit too many buttons. Just as this hulking behemoth catches the aroma of her impending light snack, Chris Hanson walks out from behind the deep fryer.

"What are you doing here miss?"

"Uhh, I'm buying these for my family."

"I have transcripts from your visit to the 'I'm a McAddcit chatroom this morning. They tell a different story."

"I, uhh, this is my first time!"

"Oh ho ho, maybe your first time this morning."

I could continue but you get the drift. Though my new show will take strides towards fixing the current problem, more can be done. Just like the signs at carnivals that say, "You must be this tall to ride," I say restaurants post regulations and signs outside that say, "You must be this BMI (Body Mass Index) to eat certain foods." Right next to the maitre d' or at the counter at fast food restaurants will be one of those scale/height measurers with a built in BMI calculator. According to their readout, they will either be green-lighted to order a Whopper or told you are required, by law, to stick to a salad. This system could also be extremely beneficial to those at the other end of the spectrum. There is the problem of bulimia and anorexia that gets much less press than obesity these days. If one of the sufferers of these afflictions walks onto the scale they will be told that it is mandatory, per city rules, that they order a whopper, maybe even a double whopper for those that score extremely low. I want everybody to be accounted for.

Staff Columnist Alex Schaefer is an 8th-semester accounting major. He can be contacted at Alexander.Schaefer@UConn.edu.