NBA awards the league forgot to hand out

By: Jake Goldberg

Posted: 6/15/09

The 2008-2009 NBA season is coming to a close, which means it's time for the first-ever Goldies, my personal awards for the association.

Before we get to the hardware, I want to share a thought. The NBA's talent is as high as it has ever been with quality players spread across the country, but it seems as though the NBA only wants you to know about Kobe and Lebron. Everyone knows Kobe and Bron-Bron are talented so how about some media exposure for the likes of Kevin Durant, Joe Johnson or Brandon Roy? Share the love, NBA.

Now on to the awards:

The Nick Cage Consistency Award:

Wally Szczerbiak; forward, Cleveland Cavaliers. Just like Cage, Wally is making an exorbitant amount of money to continually perform horribly. Wally earned $13,755,000 in 2009, which makes him third on the team behind Ben Wallace (who finished second for this award) and Lebron James. Wally averaged seven points and an assist in twenty minutes a game for the Cavs this past season, and he is unable to guard anyone while he is on the floor. Just like Mr. Cage, he continues to defy the critics by making money for doing next to nothing.

The My-jaw-is-still-on-the-floor Award:

Dwight Howard's performance against the Oklahoma City Thunder on Nov 12, 2008. Howard posted a 30 point-19 rebound-10 block game and used Robert Swift and Johan Petro as his personal toilet paper. Howard decided that the paint was his that night and he showed Swift and Petro the door to the developmental league. This is only the 46th time it has happened in the past 22 seasons.

The Mike Dunleavy Worst Coach Award:

Seeing how it would be too easy to give Dunleavy the worst coach award, I have decided to just name the award after him. Therefore, we are going to give it to the second worst coach: Ed Tapscott. First off all, shame on you Washington Wizards for firing Eddie Jordan. Secondly, brilliant move to hire Tapscott, who went 18-53, a winning percentage of .254. I know they didn't have Gilbert Arenas or Brendan Haywood for a majority of the season but there is still no excuse to winning only 18 games in the Eastern conference. Tapscott still had two former all-stars in Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison.

The I-look-like-a-hustle-player-but-am-not Award:

This year we have a tie between Anderson Varejao and Joakim Noah. Both are considered to be hustle players that dive for loose balls and sprint down the floor, but in actuality they just have very long and fluffy hair that bounces around. Without the hair movement it would look like they are moving in slow motion, but with those ugly manes flopping in the breeze it looks like they have expended enough energy to power a third world country. Both seem out of shape, both could produce more with their size and neither are able to play a full game.

The Sam Bowie Award:

I imagine the front office of the Portland Trailblazers looks at Kevin Durant's stat line daily and ask themselves, 'why'? Let's see what their team would look like if they would have drafted Durant over Greg Oden two drafts ago: PG Steve Blake, SG Brandon Roy, SF Kevin Durant, PF LaMarcus Aldridge and C Joel Przybilla. They would be infinitely scarier with KD in the starting lineup instead of Greg Oden sitting on the bench. They can take solace in the fact they are still a talented team but they seem to have wasted a draft pick on an injury-prone average center.