Left out of the catalog

By: John Bailey

Posted: 10/10/08

BIOL 3209

Mad Science

Welcome, students, to the laboratory! In this classroom, there are only two rules: "please don't touch that," and "no late journal entries will be accepted." We'll be covering the basics (evil cackle, implausible energy sources) early in the course, but things will move up to enormous reanimated cyborg men pretty quickly, so try to keep up. Prerequisites: BIOL 1070. Students who have taken PHIL 1004 (Ethics) will not be admitted.

EKIN 3029

Developing Genetic Traits

Ever wish you could curl your tongue, bend your thumb backward or have attached earlobes? Well, in this class, we won't teach you how, because those are inherited traits and you can't just learn that stuff. Seriously, stop worrying about it. None of us can snap our fingers or whistle, so we'll probably just spend the whole class doing that. We're tired of everyone making fun of us.

FILM 1092

Porn Appreciation

Pornography has long received an unfortunate reputation as the last refuge of small, pale men with glasses and comb-overs. Let the true aficionado throw off his (or her) chains! Deconstruct the high porn-low porn binary. Take this class, and be exposed to the world of truly intelligent art criticism. We'll be studying readings from all the greats, from Pamela Anderson to the cutting-edge porn bloggers of the future.

ENGL 6666 Vampire Hunting

UConn's got a vampire problem. It hasn't been in the news lately, because vampires control the media, but it's real and it's growing by the day. If your soul burns with the same pious fire as my own, I encourage you to take this course and aid me in my quest against the dark powers that plague the night. There will be weekly "Kill Count" journals and a final research project in an Eastern European country of your choice. Prerequisites: INTD courses The Bible and Basic Crossbow Use.

PHYS 2108 Smoothie Making

There's nowhere on campus to get a good smoothie - except, after you take this class, your dorm room! Our friends and enemies alike are lining up at our door for our A-grade "Banana Bonanza" smoothies. The secret? You'll never know unless you sign up! You've never been a hit - would you like to be a hit? Note that blenders aren't allowed in dorm rooms, so you may want to invest in a meat tenderizer - it's the next best thing.

SOCI 1002 '90s Youth Culture

Recent studies showed that a staggering percentage of American college students could, not, when questioned, remember the words to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" theme song. Even the most intelligent, dedicated Dean's List graduate isn't a complete student without a Pog collection and a working knowledge of Polly Pocket. Students concerned about the unusual 11 a.m. - 2 p.m. time slot will be relieved to know that Lunchables and Fruit By The Foot will be provided.

MUSI 1988 Freestyle Rapping

Unh, unh. Right. Lemme get one goin'. Yo…

Takin' this class gonna cover yo' ass, we got the sass and the razzmatazz, it's like you never been cool in your small-town school so this is your fast break, take a last break 'cause we don't stop, we crack rocks with vocal karate chops, and it's true, you can too. Sucka. Prerequisites: POLS 1032 Introduction to International Relations.

DRAM 6900 Orgasm Faces

Worried if she's faking it? Need to get better at faking it? Embarrassed that you look like Beaker from the Muppets when you climax? Your prayers have been answered! We'll be going over some classic examples of O-faces from history, along with rigorous discussion and a look at where the future of orgasms is going. Be forewarned: the homework load for this class is particularly intense!