During finals week, the last thing students should be thinking about is doing the deed - or is it?

During Finals Week, Study Your Partner's Curves To Relieve Stress

By: John Bailey

Posted: 12/10/07

Sex is all right, you know? It's not bad. It's pretty good. But is it always good? Well, it's fairly clear that there are times when sex isn't really the thing you need. Sex is counterproductive when skydiving, for example, or trying to hunt a whale or flying the space shuttle. These things require concentration and to do it properly, sex does too. Each of us only has so much concentration to give.

So what's the deal with finals week, then? There's a lot to concentrate on - integration, Shakespeare, polonium, your cute political science TA. For most students, the very mention is intimidating: "finals week" sends queasy shivers rolling through the mass of freshmen. "Finals week" makes the pile of books next to your desk rumble and grow tenfold, opening wide its cavernous mouth to devour the innocent. "Finals week" makes your libido curl up into the fetal position and sob.

Well, actually, it doesn't - at least, not for the lads. Having never seen nor spoken to an actual female, this reporter has no idea what happens to ladies during finals week.

Fedora shoved firmly over head, this reporter went into the man-trenches to figure out just what's on their little man-minds. While not eating animals or jumping monster trucks over exploding boats, it turns out that men are generally down with sex.

This shocking revelation holds true even, and perhaps especially, during finals week. Most of the dudes I spoke to considered sex to be like a big, warm stress ball: relaxing and fun to squeeze. What exactly did they have to say to the question: "Is sex a good stress reliever during finals week?"

Some men were simple but enthusiastic in their praise.

***Eds. Note: The names of the students quoted in this story have been changed at their request in order to conceal their identities.***

"I find that it's a great stress reliever," said Peter, a 5th-semester student. "It gives you a wonderful distraction to keep your mind off all the studying."

Note that he not only acknowledges the possibility of distraction, but welcomes it. Hours upon hours of physics will cook your brain like corn in a skillet, or maybe a brain in a microwave. Take some time off - even if it's not for sex. It could be a sexy movie, a sexy snack break, or a sexy elevator trip. Distraction is a powerful asset. Use it.

Some may wonder whether this area of inquiry is even useful. And indeed, some men thought the question was rhetorical.

"The answer is yes," said John, a 1st-semester student. "All men will say yes. If they say no, they are lying. I don't know why they would lie, but they are."

Others preferred the scholarly approach.

"Sex releases endorphins, which reduce levels of stress in the brain," said Tom, a 3rd-semester student. "It's really the best right before you go to sleep."

Though Tom gets his mental workout during sex, one can get some intellectual activity done during the week as a whole - with some proper planning. Like any other source of power, sex must be carefully monitored to provide the optimum output. If you find you're tapping it a little too often, feel free to dial it back and do something else. You'll both still be there once that calculus exam is dead and buried.

Nate was out of his room for comment, but his girlfriend, Laura, a 3rd-semester student, was able to give some insight. When asked if sex was a stress reliever for Nate, she cackled and nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh, he's relieved," she said, grinning. "If you asked him, he'd tell you it was a great stress reliever - That's if he actually wants to have sex again."

The experience of Laura and Nate is an instructive one: if you're in a committed relationship and you plan on doing the horizontal tango through finals week, make sure everything is neat and square with your partner first.

We know men love food, but some seem fixated on it. Rob, a 7th-semester student, made the classic comparison.

"Sex is like chocolate," he said. "If you like chocolate, you know it can help relieve stress. If you hate chocolate, try sex during finals week. You won't gain weight and you'll definitely feel relaxed."

Gaining weight sucks, as Rob has clearly identified. But losing weight sucks, too! Don't neglect your stomach during finals week. Don't skip meals because you need to cram for that paleontology practical. If you're a real man, like these real men, you'll tackle a cow and eat it with a Slurpee straw. If you're a putrid, groveling mole, you'll eat a salad or something. Either way, food is good. We need food.

Sex is a great form of physical activity, and real men are all about physical activity. None of the men quoted mentioned it, because for real men, lifting heavy objects and running a thousand miles an hour is instinctual. The lesser readers, though, may need to be reminded. For those of you who are eunuchs, get some physical activity during finals week, even if you're not having sex. Go outside and throw a ball. Watch it fly. Catch it in your soft hands, and think about the great circle of being.

Most importantly, sex is something that should be fun. If it ends up being worrisome, stressful, or just plain poor, don't bother. And remember that, during finals week, studying comes first, because if you're thinking about Thomas More or some other old dead guy, you'll never be able to savor fully the pleasures of the flesh.

This is a fact that Steve, a 5th-semester student, knows well.

"Pleasuring a woman is the most beautiful thing that can be done."

Take these wise words to heart, brothers. When you study, study hard - and when you love, love fiercely.

Contact John Bailey at John.C.Bailey@UConn.edu.