Britain, U.S. Have Different 'Flavours'

By: John Bailey

Posted: 6/9/08

I'm in London for a few weeks. It's somewhat nice. London is a beautiful city. It's is also a little strange. It's sort of like America, because everyone still speaks English and worries about heart conditions, but it's definitely a foreign version of America-sort of like an evil twin, with a bowler hat and a bad haircut. Being essentially our cultural forefathers, Britain would probably resent that comparison, but whatever - they can complain once they've put the first man on the moon.

There are the big differences, like the accents and eating gross stuff on toast, but there are lots of little differences, too, the ones you don't pick up on from the "Harry Potter" movies. And I wouldn't say they hurt the London experience, really - they just give it a bit of flavor, perhaps flavour with a "u." Sometimes it's a palatable tang and sometimes it just makes you a little queasy. Let's see:

Mexican Food

There is simply no Mexican food here. London's certainly a multicultural, cosmopolitan city. Indian take-aways (as opposed to "take-out")? Tons of them. Three-course Chinese feasts, trendy "fusion" sushi on little conveyor belts, Thai bars full of wrinkly businessmen, sure. All of that. I've even spotted a bunch of Spanish tapas places. But I've seen only a single Mexican restaurant so far in my ground-pounding. The Brits seem to love KFC - they're almost as ubiquitous as Dunkin' Donuts in New York - but there's certainly no Taco Bell. The grocery stores have maybe one bag of tortillas, and you get the sense that nobody is really sure what to do with them. Both pinto and black beans are nonexistent. They actually have flavorless, salt-only Doritos, which should give you an idea of how severe the Mexican food vacuum is. I'll trade immigration problems for a bean burrito any day.

Street Signs

London Underground Notice: "Mind the gap, please." New York Subway Notice: "I hope a hobo shoves you onto the tracks and you die."

Outside my flat, there's a sign that says "Please refrain from using this area for your cigarette breaks." If you translate that into Americanese, you get "No Smoking," and maybe there's a big guy that hits you and takes your money. Every sign here is wonderfully cheerful, even on the trash cans: "I eat rubbish!" they proclaim happily. "Polite Notice," began one sign about illegal bike parking, in case you were getting worried. Personally, I hope this trend continues, because even a polite city like London is still a bit grumpy. Street signs should read "Hooray! This is a good road!" I'd feel much better about public transportation if the bus stops suggested that "It's fun to ride the bus!" We can learn a lot from our British cousins.

Coffee Shop Problems

Everyone in London looks very faintly pissed off about something. At first, I wasn't quite sure what had their knickers in a twist; after a few weeks, I'm starting to understand. There's something wrong with the coffee shops! None of them actually serve coffee. If you wanted to, you could probably drown yourself in espresso-there are 'Italian style' cafes every ten meters. But if you just want a cheap cup of joe on your morning commute, you'll have to call home for an East Berlin-style airlift. The few places that do serve actual coffee treat it in a strange way; it's called "filter coffee" as if it's some kind of fascinating exotica. Even at Starbucks, they have to make a special menu section for the classic stuff, and they don't even have iced coffee. Also, there are no coffee shops open past 5 p.m. or 6 p.m., even on Friday nights. Maybe I should just be drinking more beer.

Pie, With Beer

British food is usually imagined as being like American food, but with more intestines. "British restaurants" don't really exist in America; we usually just imagine Brits eating scones three meals a day. But there's one cultural artifact that makes British cuisine unique: pie. We have apple pie, we have pumpkin pie (although, incidentally, you'd be hard pressed to find canned pumpkin within kilometers of London) and we have those nasty Little Debbie pies. Britain has every pie. Pork pie, chicken pie, kidney pie, leek and onion pie, Thai pie, whatever pie. If it squeals when you stab it, the Brits have put it in a delicious, flaky crust. And it's delicious. If you want the quintessential British experience, find your way to a pub (dead simple) and order a pork pie and a pint. Beats the hell out of the Changing of the Guard.

Contact John Bailey at John.C.Bailey@UConn.edu.