It’s a major don’t: Video games to movies
Published: Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Updated: Tuesday, February 4, 2014 22:02
If there’s one thing any gamer knows not to do, it’s watching a movie based on a video game. I know it’s tempting to think that a movie based on your favorite game or series must be good, but trust me, it probably isn’t. They’ve been making these types of movies for over twenty years and they’ve always been consistently bad. Hollywood, refuses to give up on the concept, however, with at least two movies based on games in the next few years (“Sly Cooper” and “Warcraft”). Don’t believe me yet? Well then why don’t we take a look back at the biggest video game-to-film blunders ever filmed?
No list could possibly start off without this “gem,” “Super Mario Bros.” Originally released in 1993, it was one of the first of its kind to try and make money off of the name with absolutely none of the content. The movie features Mario and Luigi as they try and stop “King Koopa” from invading Brooklyn, along with his army of Koopas and Goombas. If it already seems to bear no resemblance to “Super Mario Bros.” then congratulations, you have a working brain! Really, other than using the names of popular Mario characters (with Peach notably absent and replaced by Daisy, for some reason) it doesn’t resemble Super Mario at all. Also, the dinosaurs speak English, and the movie is full of terrible puns. Nothing more need be said about it. Let’s all just try to forget that it exists, because Nintendo certainly has.
Next up is a personal favorite of mine, because I actually remember its release. “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider,” starring Angelina Jolie. Now, I had never played a “Tomb Raider” game when this terrible piece of garbage was released in 2001, but I’m fairly sure my 8-year-old brain could tell that this was nothing at all like the games. Although the movie was a commercial success, it held none of the interesting Indiana Jones-esque charm of the games. It featured nothing more than a continuous flow of action sequences, without anything resembling a plot (maybe there were triangles or something; I can’t really remember).
The last franchise I’d like to include on my list is actually two films, “Silent Hill,” and “Silent Hill: Revelations 3D.” I don’t even know what to say about these movies, other than, “stop, don’t make me try and think of something to say about these movies.” The plots were basically incomprehensible masses of trash and any “scares” were just jump scares. The “Silent Hill” series has always relied on creating eerie atmosphere and frightening the player to their very core, not just throwing out a scary face in a window and calling it a day. These movies (if you can really call them that) do not deserve to have the same title as “Silent Hill.” They don’t even deserve to be in the same genre. Also, Sean Bean didn’t die in the first film, so that’s a problem in and of itself.
Ok, I lied about “Silent Hill” being the last one on my list, because I wanted this one to come as a surprise. Without question, “Postal” is the worst movie based on a game of all time. It makes all three of the aforementioned movies look like “The Godfather” in comparison. If there’s a plot in this movie, I can’t find it. To me, it just seemed like endless scenes of politically incorrect jokes, combined in a way that somehow made them worse together than individually. This movie is bad. It’s just so bad, and I can’t think of a single better way to describe it. It has no redeeming qualities at all, and all of humanity is worse off for its creation. If I could travel back in time only twice, I would first ensure that this movie was never made and then travel back to that moment again to watch myself do it.
It would take days to list all of the terrible, horrible game-based films. There are more I’d like to write about, but it would take a few issues of the Daily Campus just to do so. So before I go, here’s my “honorary mention” list of other terrible movies: “Hitman,” “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale,” “Max Payne,” and “Street Fighter.” If you want to have a truly miserable day, I could not more strongly recommend any of these films.