Sex and the University: Dumping toxic people

A wise sage once said that if you have a good dog you should keep it, and treat it with love and respect. This rule can help you decide when it’s time to exit a relationship. It’s simple. Just pretend for a second that your boyfriend or girlfriend is a dog. 

Is your precious pet soiling the rugs of your life, biting the neighbors, chasing mailmen and leaving you “presents” in the form of dead birds? If you answered yes in a metaphorical sense to any of these questions, it’s time to send them to the pound. If you answered no, then there are two options: either your relationship is perfect, or you’re delusional and soon to be muzzled, tranquilized, and carted off in an animal-control vehicle. Er, person control vehicle. It’s hard to explain. You probably should have run away from your evil owner a long time ago. I have been the misbehaving pest at times, and often the disillusioned owner trying hopelessly to teach an old pet new tricks. Here is my advice in getting over your final qualms in dumping an awful person:

Problem: “But Princess is so cute and cuddlesome.” 

Solution: Put the attachment factor into perspective. Get over it. Princess sucks and she’s not that cute. Be sure to gets some laughs out of her tacky belongings and avoid unnecessary sentimentality as you place them all out of sight in a large opaque garbage bag. Even the studded baby-pink dog collars. Who did she think she was wearing those? Doggy Minaj? If you can’t stomach actually tossing all of Princess’s last-place trophies from the dog beauty pageant into the dumpster, there’s another solution. Mail them to her parents with a trite note so she can’t lie to them over the phone and pretend you’re still together (dogs are notorious for lying). Now her stuff won’t crowd your room and emotional space. 

Problem: “But I just bought her a present, so now I have to wait til after (insert  occasion) to dump her.”

Solution: There are many solutions to this and they all end with getting rid of the gift asap, but NOT giving it Princess. If you don’t feel like waiting until after the warranted gift-giving occasion to break up, then just break up and find a creative new way to get rid of the gift. I had this happen once, so I know exactly what to do. 

You can: (a) give the present to a friend or sibling, unless it is inappropriately sexual or monogrammed. If it’s inappropriately sexual, give it as a gag gift to a perverted friend, or perhaps your most repressed friend who probably needs the gift more than anyone else might. If it’s monogrammed, search your Facebook friends for someone with the same initials, then find their address and anonymously mail them the strange gift. They will think they have an admirer and suddenly their life will be the stuff of mysterious romance novels. (b) Return the gift to the gift store, or, (c) give it to charity. 

Just, whatever you do, don’t break up with someone, only to later say, “By the way, I was going to give you this pocket-watch before we broke up.” That just looks like you’re trying to get back together or find an excuse to see them. Plus, what if they were only staying with you to get the pocket watch? Don’t give it to them! 

Problem: “My mom and dad will think something’s wrong with me if I am single.”

Solution: They will be proud of you when you explain that you were on the escaping end of a relationship with some dunce whose only talents include sitting on a scummy porch and chain-smoking the lowest-grade cigarettes. Parents love when their child makes good decisions. Now is the time to say, “Mom, you know when I said I was going to marry Princess? I’m not going to anymore.” Unless your mom hates you, then she will have to deal with it. Chances are, she knew you didn’t meet your future spouse at Hunting Lodge Apartments, so she probably won’t care.