Sex and the University: We are never, ever getting back together

I always imagined that getting dumped would be like the time my favorite hamster, Butterscotch died of a heart attack circa 2001. I won’t reveal the details of her death, because it gets pretty macabre. 

The important part of the story is when my mom took me to the hamster store to replace ‘Scotchy. She thought that if I got a new hamster, I would forget about the one that died. I began looking at the rodent section, and I hated all the hamsters at first sight. The lady at the hamster store told me to hold one of the stupid little hamsters. That is when I started to make an all-out scene, yelling between sobs, “She’s not the same as Butterscotch!” I threw the hamster across the room for emphasis. Actually, I didn’t because that would be unkind. Anyway, then, the hamster-selling woman said something profound like, “No two hamsters are the same, so you can’t compare them. You just need to find another hamster.” I cried even more because this was one of the most important things anyone has ever said. After that, I picked out a spunky, dwarf hamster and named her Blackberry. That hamster ended up biting me all the time when I tried to play with her, and, objectively, she was inferior to the late, great Butterscotch. However, what else are you going to do when your hamster dies? Also, more importantly, what does this have to do with sex? Let me explain. Over the summer, I got dumped by a guy who, come to think of it, was the Butterscotch of all men. I flipped out just like I did at the hamster store. In fact, I flipped out every day for the next month, alternating between sleeping, drinking Burnett’s responsibly, and texting psychotic things to the bloke in question. I knew that the relationship was over, just like Butterscotch’s life. I began to accept the reality of the breakup recently, and now I am here to tell you how you can survive any breakup. Here are my tips:

1) Don’t contact the person at all. And, definitely don’t ask to see them. 

Pretend the breakup is like an open wound. You have to let it scab over, heal, and then become a cool scar. Until you are healed, you can’t go ripping off the scab and infecting the wound. Soon there will be maggots in the wound and no one wants that. The goal is to recover your broken heart. If you are anything like I was two months ago, you would say to this, “What if I never want to get over the person because we’re meant to be?” My advice is that you do want to get over your ex, and you are probably not meant to be. If you really feel like texting them, don’t do it! Instead, write what you would have sent on a piece of paper. Then wait until later, and look at what you wrote. How did you sound? Desperate? Lame? Yes, indeed. Aren’t you glad you didn’t send that text? 

2) Re-connect with all the friends you got out of touch with while in a relationship. 

Your friends are probably glad that you got dumped, because this means that a) you will be a lot more fun at parties and bars, and b) they can finally hit on you. There’s nothing more exciting than realizing the potential of courting a hot friend you have known for years. On a separate note, your friends are there to listen to and understand your sad breakup story. At first, it is embarrassing to admit you got dumped. Think of it this way: at least it will let everyone know that you are a real human being. Once you get over all this, then you can begin listening to your friends’ advice and getting over your ex. 

3)Use this time as an opportunity to do things you like to do.

Sometimes, being in a relationship causes people to stop pursuing goals, forget about favorite hobbies, and even stop going to the gym. Now that you’re single, make yourself marketable by getting back into habits like brushing your teeth, and taking out your contact lenses at night. Create a chart on graph paper, defining your personal goals, and the steps you need to get to these goals. Rip up the piece of paper if one of your goals is “get (insert name of ex) to love me,” or anything similar to that. This is the time for you to focus on making yourself happy. When in doubt, remember these three sentiments: look good, get it in, and don’t give a damn.