A humble invitation to Caroline Doty
Published: Monday, April 16, 2012
Updated: Monday, April 16, 2012 00:04
It would be my distinct honor to take you to the Daily Campus banquet at the University of Connecticut Foundation ballroom on April 27. But why would you want to go with this guy, right? I’m entirely aware that every guy on campus would love to take you out. But here’s the thing. I have a column in which to ask you out. They don’t.
I’d exceed my word count if I detailed the seemingly infinite list of reasons of why you should go with me. So I’ve narrowed the number down to what I have to imagine is your favorite number, five. By the end of these, you’ll be wondering why you hadn’t already asked me out. (Confidence is cool, right?)
1) Let’s just get this out of the way. I’m pretty handsome. My mother says so, my grandmothers say so, and most of my aunts say so. If you were to take George Clooney and shape him into a college-aged Jewish journalist, it’d totally be me. I’m basically sure of that.
2) I won’t drool all over you all night like I’m sure most guys do. I’ll carry around some tissues or something.
3) I’m the coolest kid on campus. Period, the end. Why is that? Because you might go with me to the banquet. Duh.
4) I drop it like it’s hot way harder than Ms. Dolson does. That’s right.
5) What an awesome way to meet, huh? We can tell our kids about this someday. Well, I mean if we have kids. We’ll take it slow. It’s casual. Whatevs.
What in the world would you rather do on a Friday night than go to a party with a bunch of reporters? Nothing, right? Like, maybe one thing. Okay, most things. But look, I promise it’ll be a good time. Journalists know how to party. We write the police blotter, so we’re not too worried about those coppers, ya feel me? Alright. We’re no UCTV. Those guys are wild. But we’re definitely cooler than the kids who LARP in front of the library. There’s no doubt about that.
What if I got Neil Diamond there? Would that help? And if he’s busy or something, I could always get drunk and sing “Sweet Caroline” to you myself.
Okay, enough. How about this: We play a game of one-on-one. Even bet. I won’t even ask for points. If I win, I take you to the banquet. If you win, you take me to the banquet. I think you’ll be taking me. But that’s totally fine. I’m not a sore loser.
So, what do you say, Caroline? Join me at the DC banquet? Bring your friends! But not Johnny McEntee. He’s not welcome. I’m sure a Vanderbilt cornerback has picked off that date on his calendar already anyway. They love him. (Low blow? Sorry I’m not sorry.)
Summary: you’re awesome and I’m awesome. Accept my invitation? I love you. Er, I mean, I like you. Well like, you’re okay. I guess. Ugh. There’s really no way to tell a stranger that you love her via school newspaper, is there? Why is that? Okay anyway, speak to you soon. I love you.
Love, Sincerely, Yours truly, Rock on!, From,