Column: Dr. Drew IV

New year. New problems. Same ol' Dr. Drew. Let's have some fun.

Dear Dr. Drew,

We were undefeated. We were no. 1. We were the biggest cats on the corner. Now, we're afraid to leave the litter box. The national championship was just a disaster. What the hell happened to us and how can we bounce back?

Licking our wounds,

LSU Tigers Football Team

LSU,

Listen, you got "Saban-ed". College football's foremost mastermind and crabbypants just had too long to prepare his club, the only one in the country equal in talent to your own. Since you didn't deviate from your tendencies, Saban knew what you were about to do, particularly on offense, and Alabama crushed it.

Your vaunted defense was also thrown by a bevy of pre-snap movement, less Trent Richardson and lots of throwing on first down– all unexpected. Of course the bottom line was gaining a paltry 92 yards offensively and crossing midfield once. Jordan Jefferson played like a junior varsity high school quarterback who had just pounded 14 Five-Hour Energies, and gone were your option and passing games.

But, with 14 returning starters and a new man under center, you'll be emerging strong next season. Death Valley will be rocking again and my guess is that number one ranking returns quickly, perhaps even pre-season.

Dear Dr. Drew,

So, Tim Tebow lost. That's a bummer. Guess we can't run any more specials dedicated to him. Or have him plastered across every show. Gosh, that's a lot of time to fill. But, thank God LeBron picked the Heat back up. Otherwise there's nothing else to talk about, right? Right?

Duh-nuh-nuh Duh-nuh-nuh,

ESPN

Worldwide leader in unfounded, vomit-inducing hype,

You, like many of your viewers, have fallen victim to your hype machine. Sports do in fact extend beyond LeBron James and his every move, comment or tweet. There's also more to discuss than the second-year quarterback in Denver, whose long ball down the sideline needs only feathers to pass for a dying Quail.

Return to real sports like the implications and excitement of conference play in college basketball. Break down the NFL teams still playing for the right to go to the Super Bowl. How about the NHL? Australian Open?

Hold on a second… Adam Schefter just tweeted. Oh. Tim Tebow apparently played through injury last Saturday. Sounds relevant. The Pats probably wouldn't have scored forty-five points if he had been healthy. Now my ESPN app is screaming not to miss LeBron vs. Kobe tonight at 8. Okay, that's it. You suck. I have better things to do.

Dear Dr. Drew,

So the whole city is up in arms with the Clippers– but have they forgotten about the five-time champion already in town? Hello? I'm right here! What do I do? Also, I don't know if you've heard but we're playing at Miami tonight. Don't miss it. Me. LeBron. ESPN at 8 PM. Me vs. Lebron. Just in cased you missed– LeBron and myself.

Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers

Kobe,

Yes, thank you. I've heard. Thanks. Now, here's the deal: You're going to have to get used to the Clippers being a competitive, talented team for the first time in your career. But, no one's forgetting about the purple and gold.

For the moment you've got to focus on what you can control and that's leading your club and generating some toughness. You're 1-4 on the road and the team needs to buy into what new coach Mike Brown is teaching, especially on defense.

Dear Dr. Drew,

Okay, so I love being this far in the playoffs, but I can't stand keeping so damn quiet! If I catch a pass Sunday I'm going to combine all of my previous touchdown celebrations into one– Let's go riverdance with a sombrero on, then don a hall-of-fame jacket pick up a pylon, give it CPR, then sprint over and propose to a cheerleader before getting back to the huddle. Thoughts amigo?

Anyone remember me?

Chad Ochocinco, Wide Receiver(?) New England Patriots

Señor,

Frankly, I miss the old Chad. But let's be real, it's not what you or I think of comedy that ensues after you score. It's what Bill Belichick does. And to be even more frank, I think he'd probably prefer you French kiss the nearest electrical outlet before completing that dance above.

So, save it for the Super Bowl! Against all apparent logic, reason and evidence provided by this season, I still think you can be a quality option on the outside and beat man coverage well enough. It's just a matter of Tom getting you the ball. So if he finds you in the endzone in the last game of the season, on the world's biggest stage– go for it. You just didn't hear that from me.

Dear Dr. Drew,